Single parent dating again

[HeidisMommy]

Anybody else a single parent? My child's dad and I split about 4 months ago. It was a mutual thing. We realized it would be worse for our child to stay together. Although I wish it could've worked and we lived as a happily ever after family, it just is better this way. I am freaked out about dating again though. How long should I wait? When should I talk to my child about this (she's 2)? When I do start dating again, I definitely don't plan on bringing every guy into my child's life. I don't want her getting confused. This is just such a new situation for me and I'm so confused and scared. Anybody else going through the same thing, or went through the same thin?

[Trip]

Well if your willing to let an old grumpy bear comment....

 

I've been in both sides of this question...

 

Your 100 % right about bringing most men into your childs life and home at this point... it will confuse her and she may start forming attachments with people who aren't going to remain...like her dad, this is bad news...

 

Speaking as a male,. most men aren't interested in small children of other men...(they are interested in the mom tho!! )I think they are fools but that's the norm.. I love little girls...lost one at the age of 4 months and been a sucker ever since...

 

I've never met a woman in a bar and had a long term relationship with her.. bars can be fun but.... But most ppl doinng that are looking to hook up for a night..I doubt you are so....

 

In these times it pays to be on guard with men where you and your daughter are concerned.

 

Dateing? sure go for it...there is a difference in dating and hitting the bar scene...

 

There do I sound like a dad?? ...

 

I don't know why I bothered to reply to this coz it's a girl thing I guess but it seemed to call out for a man's point of view....

That's my $0.02 worth and worth everything you paid for it...

 

 

 

[-6]

First off, so very sorry the marriage did not work out Hmom. As a guy that had his parents split I can tell you that you and your spouse will probably grow to hate the decision. There was love there at one time and that is hard to extinguish even with deep hurts and abuse. Cannot offer you much advice on dating. I stuck it out for nearly 35 yrs now and guess I will try for another if I don't strangle her first-don't mean that--just jesting. Obear gave you some good scoop about not exposing your daughter to different men. On that line, most men you meet now will be interested in only your body so be very careful. There are some great guys out there who are looking for the same thing you are--a happy and complete life. Most people are looking for that deep down--guess I am an optimist on that aspect of people. Best to you in meeting mr. right and may this one be the one that is your "soulmate" and you live happily ever after. Church socials are great places to meet folks--much better than a bar. wc

[Momo]

I was a single parent from when my son was 1 year old until he was nearly 11. It is a tough job but it is possible to succeed. I didn't date for over 5 years. When I did finally start dating, I didn't bring anyone to our house unless I knew them pretty well. He met a few of my "gentlemen friends" but it was usually in group outings as friends.

 

I would recommend starting off in group situations. Church singles groups, friends, PWP or some other similar group. Get your toe wet first. The first few times I went out with my present hubby, I didn't even get in the car with him. I would meet him at our date. He realized what I was doing and it didn't bother him at all.

 

Good luck!

 

Ironically, today is my anniversary from my first marriage. After all these years, I still feel a tinge of regret that it failed. I have to admit that he did me a big favor though. We were too young and grew in VERY different directions. I would be very unhappy being married to the type of person he is today.

[Jeepers]

You didn't say if you are divorced yet or not? If the divorce isn't final, I would wait at least until then.

[Shandy]

I'm sorry that your marriage is over.

 

I agree with 6. You will most likely come to hate this decision. Aside from situations with addictions and/or physical abuse, most people regret the decision to separate at some point...especially if they have children.

 

It's none of my business, so you don't have to answer, but was your daughter happy with the marriage? If it's only you and/or your husband who was unhappy, it isn't right to turn your daughter's life upside down just so the parents can be happy.

 

That's my nosy .02 on that part, and discard it if it is too intrusive.

 

On the dating...don't.

 

And if you have to, I agree with the guys...don't bring them around your daughter. No matter how savvy you are, there are really awful charming guys out there who are just looking for a woman (or a single mom with a little girl ) to prey on.

 

Plus, what you already mentioned about confusing her. It will be easier for her to "fall in love" with your boyfriends and dates than it will be for you. And she doesn't need anymore heartbreaks in this life than necessary.

 

There. That's .75 worth from a mother of 8 and nonnie of 4 at 50 years old who spent 12 years raising a son by herself.

 

The truth smarts from this side of things, but it is devastatingly hurtful from the other side 20 years down the line if you don't take it into consideration early on.

 

Good luck to you. You sound like a loving mother. I hope all goes well with you.

 

-Shurleen

[Campy]

I've been down that road 3 times (the 3rd time was the charm - 22+ years).

 

Trip gave you some very good advice and so did Jeepers.

 

Wait until the divorce is final. The other half can use your dating against you for custody issues (often times it is just to avoid paying child support).

 

Stay away from the bar scene. Church groups/organizations are usually good. Same with civic/political groups.

 

Initially, when you go out, go with SEVERAL girl friends (they should be friends that will look out for you).

 

Just another guy's opinion.

 

 

[HeidisMommy]

Thanks SOO much for all of your responses. I really appreciate it. I do wish it could've worked with us, but we both felt it would be better for our daughter this way. I don't want my child raised in a house with a lot of shouting and anger, you know? Wow, I thought that men were "scumbags" (sorry for the term) when we were younger - like in High School and college. I thought that as we got older, more and more men start looking for serious and true love, etc, not just...the 'other' thing. I guess it's just different for everybody huh? I will definitely be careful and my daughter is my number one priority. Plus, I do have girl friends to help me through this. Man...I feel like those women on that 'Must Love Kids' show. Except their kids are a little bit older. Lol. Man, I can't thank you guys enough for your opinions and words.

[sassenach]

Heidi's mom it is great that you realized that and made decisions to try and keep your child safe emotionally. It is refreshing to see common sense operating, when it comes to the children' sake.

[Aint2nuts]

I am just now jumping into dating. Although, I will have to find someone who can look past my looks.

 

 

Some things I have decided are that the kids don't meet anyone until we have been dating at least 5-6 months exclusively.

 

For the first dates we will meet in VERY public places.

 

 

I will do a background check on each person that I am thinking about getting serious about. Basic background including criminal.

 

 

 

[Leasmom]

I haven't dated except to go back with my daughter's father for a brief mistake a few years ago. Its been hard because I don't trust anyone around my daughter and I don't know if they're dating me to get close to her or not...when I did try to go out for the first time 2 yrs ago, my daughter called me every hour on the hour so it isn't the time. I do get tired of being alone but it isn't the time unless I could find someone and date them for along time and could trust them and then introduce them to my child but so far, not luck with that.

[HeidisMommy]

Aint2nuts, You remind me of a friend of mine that ALWAYS did background checks on her men. Not only her men, but MY men too! This was when we were WAY younger though. I would start dating a guy and she would come at me with his background. I would be like, "What the hell?!? How'd you find this out?!" Lol.

 

As far as dating again, one thing I know I don't want to do is go back to my ex. That would just confuse my daughter even more, and if it didn't work out (again), give false hopes. Have you guys seen that show on TLC called 'Must Love Kids'? It's all about these 3 single moms dating again. I just wonder where the kids will fit in the picture. Cause like we all pretty much agree...we don't want our kids exposed to the men we date until WAY later.

[yarrow]

I have read this thread and kept from responsing. Mainly because I wonder if you will all understand what I going to say.

 

Background: 14 years ago, my husband died from suicide, he left me with 7 children to raise from 17 years old down to 7 months.

 

So within the first year I was putting ads in the paper (which was popular years ago, now they are on the internet). I went out with several guys.

 

Then I met this wise man, and he asked me why I was so anxious to start dating so soon? Why not take the time to find out who and what you are. Do you need to date to validate who you are? What are you wanting in another person? Are you caught up in the fact that you won't be socialably acceptable? Do you need another person to help you to support yourself?

 

How many people have dated very soon after their divorce or death of a spouse to only connect with someone who has the same things that you hated in the first partner.

 

I have known lots of folks who have done this, and soon are divorcing the 2nd person.

 

Disclaimer: There are the happy stories, but I see alot more of the sad ones.

 

Today:

I have been with a great man the last 5 years, and it took me about 3 years to bring him in slowly to the family. I didn't want my kids say, you can't tell me what to do, you aren't my dad. My kids have fully accepted the new man in my life.

 

The bonus was, I listened to that wise man, and found out what I really wanted. I found out that a man compliments me, and I am okay by myself and really don't need one.

 

So Heidi's Mommy, good luck.

[RobertaRogers]

Try eharmony - its a pay dating site, which eliminates many of those just looking for a good time. Plus it really helps narrow down the list to those who may be right for you.

[goatherder]

I thought I was doing the "right thing" when I divorced my first husband after fourteen years of marriage. It just wasn't working out and I thought that things would be better all the way around if we parted ways. If I had it to do over again, we would have sought counseling and worked things out by learning to communicate!

 

If you haven't tried to work out your differences and learn to be a team, please, please try for your sake, his sake, and most importantly, your daughter's sake! If your issues are not connected to drug abuse, physical abuse, or mental abuse, the two of you can make it work if you both make a commitment to give it 100%.

 

I dated after my divorce (bad idea!!!) and eventually married a guy with two kids (really bad idea!!!!). There is no substitute for raising a child in a stable, loving two parent home with both of the parents being the parents of that child. Your daughter will be back and forth for visitation and you can be sure that there will be other women in your former husband's life. That in itself is bad news for your daughter.

 

Having been down this road as a mom and having lived it from the perspective of a child of a broken home, I can tell you it will be much better for your child (and most likely for you) if you can possibly work out your differences with your husband. There must have been something that got you two together to begin with, find it again and hang on to it.

 

Being young when you marry is no excuse for divorcing down the road. I was fifteen (barely) when I married. It was a dumb decision and I did it mainly because I wanted out of a very bad home life (the result of my mom remarrying!). I was married to a much older fellow and as I grew up he became less of what I wanted in life. I guess I didn't grow up enough to realize my responsibilities until it was too late because now I would love to go back and change all of that. I would go back in a heartbeat to stay married to him and provide my kids with the stable loving home they deserved.

 

Don't get me wrong, my kids turned out to be fine adults, but they view relationships with all kinds of suspicion because of the way things have been for their dad and me. My DD has her own marriage problems that mirror the problems I created for myself. At least she and her DH are in counseling and trying to work things out.

 

Sorry this is so long and I hope I haven't offended you with my opinions, but I'm an "old gray mare" who has been down the road you are walking. Hindsight is so very clear and I caution all young people to take a close look at my experiences before they jump into a divorce without exhausting all the possibilities.