Need help with eldery MIL

[Clovis]

Hi everybody, my DH and I are having a problem with his mother and I was wondering if anyone here had gone thru something similar.

 

Here goes, a family member was told by my MILs doctor a few months ago that she is in early stage Alzheikers. I had suspected it for a while and he just confirmed it. I also suspect he may have told my MIL as she stopped seeing him and is going to one of the local quacks now. I think another reason she stopped seeing him was because she knew he had written permission to give the family info about her. OK, that's one part.

 

Another part is she had broken her back about a year ago and finally got pretty much healed and released from doctoers care. Well just before X-mas she had an accident (not her fault, rear ended). Since then she can barely walk and complains of pain but refuses to back to her orthopedist. (different dr.) That's the 2nd problem

 

The third and what I consider most important is that she still drives. We had a BAD thunder storm about a week ago. My DH had talked to her on the phone about 10 mins. before it started. About 20 minutes into the storm she pulled up in the driveway! She had tried to call us and our phone was out and she was worried about us. That's fine but we were having winds so strong they had blown a semi off the road a little before she showed up. She said she was just worried about us because she couldn't get ahold of us and came to check on us. She put herself and everyone else on the road in danger. Yhis is not the first time she has done this. Just the straw that broke the cmaels back.

 

My DH doesn't want to take her freedom and I understand that but she scares me to death and is NOT safe to be driving anymore. MY FIL isn't much better and isn't safe to be driving much either and fortunatly doesn't. And if he trie dto take her keys she would pester him til he gave them back. I think if we could talk to her former family Dr. he could and would help. I love my DH with all my heart and want to help him trhu this.

 

Anyone ever go thru something similar. All advise, help appreciated. Thanks.

[MomM]

When my mother could no longer drive safely (early Alzheimer's), one of my brothers took the battery out of the car and told her he had taken it to the service station to be charged, and never brought it back. One of my aunts took over driving her everywhere. Maybe a similar situation might work for you all. This is the start of a tough road for you all. We moved Mother in with us, right before we had our 5th child, and kept her in our home for 10 years. Then she was so advanced with the Alzheimer's that we had to move her to a nursing home. During those 10 years, it was a blessing and a trial, but one our whole family does not regret. You might want to consider getting her an ID bracelet, with her name on one side, and telephone number(s) of family members to contact on the other side, in case she is lost and can't remember a name and number for the authorities to notify. She should be seeing a doctor knowledgeable in the treatment of Alzheimer's disease. Their are new medications that can help slow the symptoms (may have to try various ones to find the right ones for her). Also, a family support group is a wonderful thing. It helps to know that you are not the only ones going through this; and they can share ideas that work for them, and may work for you.

I'm sorry for writing a book. If I can help with other questions/concerns, please let me know. There are others here that have also dealt with this issue, and will have great ideas.

Take care.

[cootie]

Hi there,

 

It's always difficult when someone we love is putting themselves in danger in different ways, and won't listen to us or let us help. I don't think talking to her former doctor is going to help. There are privacy laws now, and since she isn't going to see him anymore anyway, the doc wouldn't have new info to give you.

 

There comes a point in everyone's life, that we need to admit that we can't do things the way we used to. Your MIL is obviously going to hurt herself sooner or later, and with a diagnosis of altzhimers, things will get more difficult. Has your husband ever talked to you about who your MIL gave power of attorney to in your family? My mom gave power of attorney to me (the oldest of two children). I have not had to use it yet, but sometimes, I feel like the time may be getting close, and only if mom refuses to be helped like in your situation. During the summer, I dropped her off in front of her home on the cul-de-sac where she lives, and she didn't go into her home right away. She wandered around the cul-de-sac for about 2 minutes, came back to the car and said "which house is mine?" Now that scared me. But for now, she's o.k.

 

Talk to your husband and see what you can do. And you definately need to convince your MIL to do something. In the most loving way, try to persuade her to put herself in your care one way or another, weather it be full-time, or just going back to her old doctor with you taking her on a regular basis. Talk to her about the dangers of driving in the situation she is in (my mom actually drove into oncoming traffic because she "forgot" what lane she was supposed to drive in) and do everything you can to keep her safe. Be frank and tell her that you don't want her to die from accident or poor health choices, when it could be prevented. Also, if you really do think her new doc is a "quack," see if you couldn't compare his medical background and education to her old doc to "compare" the quality of health care she is receiving. Maybe if you present facts to her in that way, she may logically see your point of view.

 

God Bless,

Cootie

[Snowmom]

 

I'm sorry, I don't have any experience with this, but we did have my MIL living with us for about 10 or 12 years. She knew she couldn't drive any more and was willing to give up her license.

 

But, having an ID on her may be the best way to do it for now. Then, as it gets worse, you will have to do something more.

 

 

 

[Dee]

Could you take their car keys w/o them knowing it? Of course, if you do you have to be willing to drive them places so they can get around. That's what my husband did to his mother. She looked off and on for her keys but when she'd call DH and one or both of us took her where she wanted to go she got over it in a while. My MIL was not one that wanted to go all the time so that was a help, I don't know what we'd have done had she wanted to go someplace every day or two.

 

She wouldn't listen to us about moving into assisted living but finally the Dr. told her she couldn't live alone any longer. When the Dr. told her he was the "voice of authority" and she didn't argue.

 

We talked about bringing her to our home but in the end it was not to be since she can see her farm/house from ours and would have always wanted to go back to it.

 

She went into assisted living and learned to like someone doing her laundry (which she could have done herself if she'd wanted to), cooking her meals, etc.

 

She always had someone to talk to and was never alone except when she wanted to be and would then go to her room.

 

It's tough on the children as well as the parent. We know! My MIL is now in the nursing home with very little memory left. She knows her children and sometimes even we inlaws. My DH and I are the only children living here so it falls on him to do it all but he does as good a job as possible in a sad situation.

 

Whatever way you go and whatever you choose to do just know you're doing the best you can in an impossibly difficult situation!

 

 

 

 

 

[Deb2of9]

My sister's MIL started to develop Alzheimers about 6 or 7 years ago. ( It seems longer now.) She is a nurse and at the time, she was working at the same place that I do. She would come in to work and seemed almost confused as time, but managed to convince everyone she just got "sidetracked" by an interuption like the phone when she forgot something. She was becoming a danger to herself and the patients and I am glad she retired before I had to say anything. ( She hadn't been diagnosed yet, but those of us who knew her, could tell that something wasn't right.) About a month after she left the job, she told us she went out to the car and forgot what to do with the keys or how to drive. She said it was because she was so tired, so that is why she quit the job. She refused to see that she had a problem. What my sister in law did was asked her to move in with her and "help" her with the children. She did that but after thought she was visiting and didn't realize why she couldn't go home. ( The family had packed up her house and began renting it to another family member.) Within a couple of years the alzheimers had progressed and sometimes she doesn't know who everyone is. She is still living with my sister-in-law. Sometimes you have to take a hard line to help those with alzheimers. Especially since they are fine alot of the time. They don't realize that they really are a danger. Manipulation may not be my first choice in most cases, but in the case of manipulation you have to try what ever works. Doing what gives them the most independece and normal life while protecting them from themselves is the best thing for alzheimers. ( along with the new meds that do seem to make a difference.) It is a fine line to have to travel. If they are okay living on their own, getting the car or car keys away might be the best first step. No matter what, if she is still with it enough to make her own decisions even if they use poor judgement, your family has a tough battle ahead of you. Unfortunately it won't get better. I will pray for you and your family. You will need our prayers to help you make the right decisions and have the strenght to watch you MIL slowly slip away. I sometimes think it is one of the cruelest diseases out there. It hurts the person who has it as well as all who love and care for them.

[Skagitgal]

Clovis.

My heart goes out to you and your family. This insidious disease rocks a family to it's core.

 

I have spoken here before about my MIL. The meanest woman in the lower 48 states. She has the beginnings of Alzheimers, dementia and it has brought out rudeness, nasty mouth insults and pure hatred towards her children.

 

She is not the person, [only slightly removed].... from the woman she was.

In her case, Alz. has brought out the WORST in her temperment.

When you, [children, and in-laws] are hated as much as we are; it makes no difference if you take her car keys away. It only gives her a focus of hatred.

 

The new medicines only work if started early. There has to be patience,& loving forgiveness. The total, personal, individual memory of all that has happened to the survivors, must be allowed to slip away. Washed clean of lingering hurts.

 

It hurts to 'be mean' to a person you should respect and honor. Danger is danger. If she is a danger to herself, or others, it has to be adressed.

 

Driving, cooking, confusion as to where she is, what she ment to do.............all of these have to happen in a safe, contained area.

 

Your home, another sibling's, assisted living, or a special Alz. unit. Only those who do not have the disease will have the pain, guilt and sorrow of confining the ill person.

 

The ill person is NOT who they once were. They are gone in mind, heart and spirit. The outside shell is the same, but the inside slate is washed clean.

 

Even knowing this does not pospone the heartache. Good luck.

[bluegrassmom]

Yes, any kind of dementia never brings out the best in a person. It does bring out the worst. I agree it is hard to be mean (that is how you will be perceived)to someone who you naturally feel you should respect.

 

You just sort of have to try and make peace with the fact that this person who once loved you....well, just will end up not liking you anymore. I was caregiver for both my parents for years. It's over now as both have passed on. It was hard. Gut wrenching. And in my mind I know I did my best. Everyone who knows what our situation was says the same thing. But in my heart, there are so many emotional scars. I don't think you can do it for any long length of time and not come out on the other side without those emotional scars. They just seem to come with the territory.

[Clovis]

Thank you all so much for your caring ideas and words. Even if there isn't a lot you or I can do right now, it is a comfort to know I'm not the only one going thru this. Thank you all again.

 

I really don't know what we can do at this point. She isn't far enough along to be declared incompetant (completely anyway) yet and will not even admit there is a problem.

 

Unfortunately taking th keys or battery from the car wouldn't work right now because at this point she would just call a shop and have it fixed or another key made (has done this once when she lost them). My DH and I have both tried talking to her and explaining why she can't continue to drive under the conditiotns she has been, ie: very upset, in bad weather, long distances without telling anyone. We have tried being loving and gentle and last week when she drove in the storm my DH got very angry with her and told her if she did that again he would have her license taken. She got very mad and just kept saying 'well haven't you ever made a mistake?" As he told her of course, but she keeps making the same ones. And we live several miles away so driving her isn't an option either. I have tried to encourage her to get some daily help with cleaning, etc. that might be able to but she won't have it.

 

I'm really not sure about the mental state of my FIL. I don't think he's really that bad off, I think he's just given up trying to do anything with her. She is a VERY strong willed woman and has always taken care of everything as far as bill, money and doing what she wants. I've heard him try to talk to her but she just basically tells him how it's going to be. He has asked me repeatedly if I can do anyhting with her and to please do so if I can. I just don't thnk he knows what to do.

 

Having her move in with us wouldn't workmfor so many reasons. What I'm trying to encourage my husband to do is get her to go back to her original doctor and have us take her so we can talk to hi and actually find out what is going on and if he has any ideas or can help.

 

I think the ID bracelet is a great idea. Thanks, I don't know why I didn't think of that, I have one. I don't know if hs ewould wear it but for a few $s it would be worth a try. I don't know about power of attorney if she has asigned anyone as hers (theirs) if needed or not, I'll ask.

 

Again, thank you all for your kind words and prayers, much appreciated and needed,

Clovis

[MomM]

Another common trait of early Alzheimer's is their ability to rationalize why they acted the way they did. (There were times I wondered if my DM was really ok and just trying to drive me crazy). A good book to read about Alzheimer's is the "? Hour Day". I'm having a senior moment and can't remember the number of hours in the title. I'll try and find it for you.

Take care.

[kappydell]

In my state (Wisconsin) there is a thing called driver re-evaluation. You fill out a form and send it in as to why the person needs to have their driving re-evaluated and the state driver's lic bureau "takes away the keys". I am a trooper and have sent a few of those in for those who had alzheimers' and would not listen to their relative, doctor, or even their local sheriff trying to tell them not to drive(one fellow did not even know what state he was in, and his family was frantic!!His son had disconnected the alternator so the car was "broken" but unfortunately Dad figured it out and fixed it) You can also have the driver's license limited to just daylight, or a geographical area, or to just go to the store or to the doctor, etc. Not that it would always work, but maybe it would help to have yet another 'authority' symbol trying to convince her not to drive.

(that fellow who 'fixed' his car also made himself a vehicle registration sticker out of a colored piece of cardboard from a cereal box...I admired his creativity even while I wrote him several tickets...but getting those tickets, having his son come get him, then having his driving re-evaluated finally convinced him not to drive.) Tough love is a *#&$$ though. My mom has alzheimers, late stages now, and I mourn her mind's passing and miss her dearly. My prayers are with you.

 

[Clovis]

Kappydell, I don't know if they have those here in IL or not, but it's sure worth looking into. Her birthday is coming up in April and I don't know if she has to take the driving test or not. I think she took it last year and here in IL it's only required every three years until 85 I think. Thank you for the thought I'll see if my DH wants to check into it.

 

Leah, I understand what you're saying and I agree that that may not be the best way to go, but she has never responded to gentle persuasion (at least not in the 7 1/2 years I've known her). I did try a while back explaining to her that I understood a lot of what she was going thru (after she had limitations from back injury) because I had to give up driving at 33 due to seizures, couldn't be alone and all the other things that go with them. All she would say is that's different. I know it is but it doesn't change the fact that we are afraid to say anything or not say anyhting. Either way we're wrong. How we're made to feel anyway. (sigh)

 

I don't know what we're going to do or even be able to but the ideas and thoughts really do help.

[Jeepers]

When my grandmother got that way she had to be put in a nursing home. Two of her daughters tried with all of their heart to take care of her but they just couldn't do it. She had to have 24 hour a day care. She would nap during the day and roam during the night. There was no pleasing her she and she became violent toward them. One time it took 4 grown men to get her out of the car after a Dr. appointment. All 95 pounds of her.

 

Finally, they hatched a plan with the doctor. They took her to his office and he had her admitted to the local hospital for 'tests' and from there she went to the nursing home. By that time she didn't really know where she was.

 

Everyone who knew my grandma loved her. Especially me. What she became was not her. The most loving, and painful for us, thing to do for her was to keep her and everyone else safe.

 

When she had lucid moments, she actually liked being where she was because of the activity around her. More people to grouse at hee-hee. Once she told me she had the nicest WIFE! I figured she meant the ladies who cooked and cleaned for her.

 

On a side note, I'm going to write down now what I want done 'for' me in case I become this way. I don't want to burden the ones I love with having to make that decision for me. Especially when I will be, unknowingly, fighting and throwing the guilt trip at them. I think it should go along with my will in the lock box.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I wish I had some wise answers for you.

[MomM]

Jeepers, I have already told our 5 children, that what I put them through in the future (The good Lord willing, in the very long future) I apologize now for, and when it is time to put me in a nursing home, to do it. I won't know where I am, BUT - don't forget me. Please come and check on me once in a while. They all said they would take care of me, etc. I wanted to make sure they wouldn't feel guilty. I'm hoping I won't develop Alzheimer's, but my mother and her mother both had it, so odds are - (darn it) so will I.

[MomM]

I looked up the title of the book, and it is "The 36 hour day". It's very good.