Standing up to my Mother in law?

[FunkyPioneer]

Ok its a weird situation, but simply my MIL and FIL bought a house as an "investment", but it was purchased with us in mind and we are "expected" to stay in it for at least 6-10 years at least. They pay for everything and we pay them what we can. This was arranged so Dh could go to medical school, but now because of the economy it dosen't look like that will happen. Were stuck and can't leave, the economy is crappy and they wouldn't be able to sell the house and would be out tons of money, and we couldn't even begin to get our own place. Dh has a job and we were finally getting our heads above water and he found out he will be laid off again.

 

So like many of you we're trying to finish prepping for what may come. MIL is not ok with a lot of things, like a garden (event though all the grass is dead and I would do a raised bed), a dog she said under no circumstances (for many reason I want a dog, protection, friendship etc), we snuck in chickens which she seems like she ok with but she announced to day that we had to get rid of our rooster (which I want to keep for fertile eggs), I can't paint or decorate the way I want she literally comes in and decorates my house, I am going crazy. Please don't get me wrong she is wonderful and very giving and has given us so much. We would have been homeless if it wasn't for her. I am just so tired of her controlling things, she even controlled my wedding! I had it all planned to have a fun wedding at the zoo (ok it may sound weird but it would have been very tastefully done) and she forced me into some stuff hotel wedding. My mom says if we don't stand up to her now she will control our lives for ever. But I don't want to be ungrateful for all the good she has done.

 

Sigh, when do you just say no more? I mean I have tried to talk to her about our concerns and I never can get more than a sentence out of her. I have stored enough food to cover them, but I would like to have a garden for fresh food. I'm about ready to just say to heck with you and do what I want. Help!

[Rita]

Are you aloud to have flower beds around the house? You can plant alot of edible stuff in between bushes and flowers. How does hubby feel about the whole thing. Since he is her son, I would suggest that he speak to her about it. Mother and son will get over a disagreement, but many times if the daughter in law or son in law and the mother in law have a "discussion", it is forever...just my 2 cents.

[susie]

Plant a garden, anyway. What's she gonna do, rip it out?

[Amishway Homesteaders]

what are DH views on all this is he with you or OK with what Mother is doing?

THAT would change how you go about doing things.

 

Are they worried that a garden will 'mess' up the yard in case they want to sell? Today a garden will improve the value of a home.

 

Well good luck whatever way you go in the near furture.

[Stephanie]

Well, I'm sure you're feeling obligated to them right now and apparently they're taking a bit of an advantage of having you in the spot. I think it's important that you don't look at it as a good guy/bad guy type of thing where they become your enemies.

 

What I think that you need are some good healthy boundaries. Dr. Henry Cloud has written several really good books on boundaries and dealing with family members. It is challenging but it can be done.

 

If this is your home you should have certain freedoms that she respects. And as the owner of the property she has the right to expect certain things a well.

 

As already mentioned, you really need to get dh on board and either encourage him to take the lead in negotiations or atleast stand by your side.

 

If she is not listening when y'all try to talk to her, write a letter. You can start by telling them how thankful that you are for what they've done (which is no small thing) and then explain how you feel about the boundaries that you feel are being violated. Diplomacy can go a long way, sometimes. And when you're dealing with a lady who will be in your life for a long time to come (think grandchildren, etc.) it is best to approach things as calmly as possible.

 

I don't mean that you can't stand up for yourself (like the decorating of your home) but if you were renting somewhere else and they said no pets and no garden, you'd have to abide by it, they'd have that right.

 

Talk to your husband, try to find a copy of that Boundaries book at the library and don't feel hard pressed. You don't have to plant a garden today or get a dog today.

 

[FunkyPioneer]

Thanks you all. DH has a problem with it too, but he feels like he can't say anything because of all they have done for us. This has actually been an ongoing problem for a lot of people including DH. In fact it is a issue with DH to the point that I have had a hard time getting him to do anything in our home because he has such a resentment to being bossed around. Everything has to be my MIL's way and theres no discussion.

 

Now really she's a good woman. She's been "hiring" a realtor friend to do tile work in her house so that he has a job and income, she gave us most of the furniture in our home because we had none. I honestly shes a good woman and I get along with her other than this. She dose hold grudges though, like life long so I do not want to upset her.

 

I did mention what my mom said to my husband (now she is not one to usually get involved and usually tells me to work it out so its not really one of those things if you know what I mean) and he said your right and he would think about it.

 

I am a free spirit and resent being controlled so this drives me crazy, LOL. I do need to plan the garden though because it should be planted in about 3 weeks because we're in zone 10.

[Skagitgal]

FunkyPioneer,

IMHO, & because I have grown children, [my only qualifications for comment].........can you stand back and objectively look at your situtation.

Are you & hubby responsible?

How many 'projects' have you started and completed? or not.

The bad breaks you have suffered,...were they your doing, did you allow them to happen with out a 'plan'.

FP., you see, I don't know how old you are; but only you know how responsible you & hubby are with your money.

Step back back and look at yourself; 'what' does MIL see. She will see you as kids if you do not 'do' responsible actions.

That said, I know there are MIL's out there that make an atom bomb explosions look tame. Some people are just pure evil.

When a human 'feels they are right..or justified', they use that excuse to say and do anything.

This close to Christmas, I would let the 'status quo' ride, you have the stammina to endure a couple more days.

Clean house after the New Year. Start with your house first, and don't burn bridges unless unless you have a boat or lifejacket.

 

 

[Stephanie]

Here's one more thought I had. (BTW very good post Skagitgal).

 

If right now you are really wanting the garden issue settled, maybe you don't want to tackle everything at once. Perhaps you could show her your ideas, explain what and why you want to do this. Pictures? etc?? If this doesn't work even after your best shot, consider gardening alternatives. Container gardening perhaps? Several of the members here have produced some outstanding results in their container gardens.

 

 

[Tx_Woman]

I really think this is your DH's responsibility to set the boundaries for his mom regarding your relationship and home. If yall have a good church, you might want to talk to your pastor about how to approach the situation. I can tell you from experience that in-laws getting into your business all the time will tear your marriage apart - and that's the last thing you want to happen. DH is the man and this is his mom, so he should stand up and let her know he is the man of the house and will make the decisions regarding his marriage, family and home.

[FunkyPioneer]

Skagitgal (and everyone else) You bring up very valid points and have good advice thank you, I knew you all would be able to help.

 

4 years ago DH quit his job as a stock broker and we sold our home and everything it it so DH could go finish college courses needed to attend medical school (all his previous stuff was in finance so it was almost like starting over because he needed different courses). We live in a small apartment, lived off of grants and some student loans, DH's job delivering pizza's, and a small income sewing, and food stamps. I was even able to get a fully year supply of the dry goods for the family. It came down to that there were no more loans to have for school, delivering pizzas couldn't cut it because of the economy no one ordered pizzas anymore)There were no good paying jobs to be had, the school was in a farming community, and my sewing wasn't going to make the bills. So it was get help or be homeless because we couldn't pay the rent. I would say were really responsible with money, we just could'nt make enough. We have zero debt except the student loans.

 

I do see that maybe MIL sees that I have too much on my plate (and I really do) and probably couldn't handle the stress of another project. Which may just be true.

 

I'm just panicked about the economy. DH and I had planned to have some land and a yurt by now, with what we needed to live. Now I was forced to move from a nice small safe farming town back to the desert in the middle of one of the biggest cities in the nation. Let me tell you all that scares the poop out of me. I'm in the worst place I can be for the economy going the way it is. I feel like I have to get these things done or we're going to be in big trouble when things really go south. I want a dog to protect my family and alert me of intruders. Home invasions are very real ocourance here and they happen often. I feel like I need a garden, I am in a city that really produces nothing for food, we truck in 99% of our food. Not to mention its better for our health and I can't afford organics.

 

My MIL is not pure evil, I am sure of that and Skagitgal( Are you my mom, you sound just like here and I say this in the best possible way) i'm pretty sure after pondering your comments that she probably see's us as kids who are not responsible after what happened (event hough I don't see how we were really terribly irresponsible and maybe thats due to lack of opening my eyes to the situation I don't know)

 

Maybe I'll just let things slide for now and plant what I can in the flower pots and try a upside down garden for now. thanks all for helping me. SOmetimes getting a third party viewpoint really opens the eyes.

[ol'momma]

I have a very well meaning and good intentioned MIL...who was set on running my life as well. She sees herself as "the family matriarch". Frankly it drives me nuts. I can't offer you any advice on your situation. But, I will lend an ear when you want to rant and I'll offer a shoulder when you need to cry...

[Skagitgal]

Ok, FP.

Now you are using your God given talents to think yourself out of your problem. Good work.

Container gardening is one very real, useable solution. See, you ARE up to the challenge.

When you can step back from the emotion, and the turmoil, and see both sides of a problem. You can apply your experience in problem solving to a higher degree.

LOL, I can see I would be proud to 'act' like your mom.

Think on your problem. Write your solutions down. Have a plan on where you want to be.

If hubby cant do the classes right now, think fireman, EMT, work for money and practical experience in the field.

Frankly my dear, [and I mean this in the most neutral way], hubby does not sound like he has the single mindeness devotion and burning desire needed to carry him through the rigors of classes and med school. Is this MIL's idea? If so, is he appeasing to keep peace in the family, or does he want it so badly that he can't eat, sleep, or think of anything else.?

If he is totally devoted to med school; are you helping, hindering or resigned to the life of a pre-med student spouse.

What you do as a couple, [yoked equally in the eyes of man and God],you have to go forward as a couple.

And see, how easy it is to offer advise when your a internet away?

Our oldest daughter has MS. It took her 8 years to go through vet school, [among episodes]. There was NEVER any doubt as to what she wanted, or that she would get it done. I am telling you this, 'cause if your hubby doesn't have this, he won't make it. I am not predicting failure, only asking that you have very realistic expectations.

Pray with your heart. Give yourself permission to have peace and dignity. There is NOTHING you can buy this Christmas season that you need. Merry Christmas. MAKE your new year better.

[Aint2nuts]

Quote:

I'm just panicked about the economy. DH and I had planned to have some land and a yurt by now, with what we needed to live. Now I was forced to move from a nice small safe farming town back to the desert in the middle of one of the biggest cities in the nation. Let me tell you all that scares the poop out of me. I'm in the worst place I can be for the economy going the way it is. I feel like I have to get these things done or we're going to be in big trouble when things really go south. I want a dog to protect my family and alert me of intruders. Home invasions are very real ocourance here and they happen often. I feel like I need a garden, I am in a city that really produces nothing for food, we truck in 99% of our food. Not to mention its better for our health and I can't afford organics.

Too bad you are in Mesa and not in Peoria. We could just share my front and back yard!

Yes this place is not one I want to be stuck in if the grid goes down. The water I have is enough for ...maybe two weeks if we are careful with it.

I am planning on planting soon. I just have to find someone with a truck and rototiller who will move a load of manure into my garden area, and rototill it into the deeply packed soil. I have horrible soil in my backyard. Just horrible.

I have the seeds I need now for a good garden, but if the I will be up crap creek without a paddle.

Moving is NOT an option right now. Our rent is low, and we have the car payment (which COULD be paying a land payment!)

As for your MIL, grit your teeth grin and bear it. Sounds like she is doing a lot for you, that you can't afford to lose. If that is so, then burning bridges at this point would be a terrible way to go.

There is a book called "Inlaws and Outlaws" that might help. Helped me with my inlaw.

[JCK88]

FP,

Good advice about the inlaws. Maybe, talk to your mom in law about how much you really, really want a garden. Explain you were going for raised beds, etc. The more you talk to her, the more she may understand how important this is to you.

 

About your dh..has he taken any medical classes yet? Could he perhaps get the degree needed to become a physician assistant first and then work toward the medical degree to become a doctor/ Are you aware that there actually are some part-time medical schools around? I mean, there are medical schools that will allow you do do your residency and such on a part-time work basis. There is a lot of pressure to NOT do this because most doctors are trained the old-way...work till they drop. But many single parents couldn't do this and some med schools have been flexible.

Also, have you looked into free medical school on the condition that your dh works in a small town someplace rural when he graduates? There are programs that will pay for his schooling if he agrees to go serve for at least 6 years in a place where there is little medical care.

I know that in Virginia at one of the universities there, they have a program where they give you $10,000 a year for school if you agree to serve where doctors are needed when you graduate. You serve a year for each year you getscholarship money. They have these kinds of programs in many states. Do a search on medical scholarships in your state and see if there are any like this.

 

If he is determined to become a doctor, then this might be the way to do it AND get you out of the city. Anyway, something to think about.

[SueC]

My MIL was a controlling woman, and I did stand up to her. BUT she always resented me for standing up for myself, and nothing we did was ever good enough. Having said that, you also have the right as a tenant to decorate your own home within normal tenancy guidelines. Even though your MIL is the landlady, you need a lease so that it is clear what you can and cannot do. If you moved in without a pet and there was no agreement about animals, then sorry, but it is tough. If by decorating you want to paint walls and that is outside of the normal tenancy guidelines, then again, sorry but it is a tough break. With a formal lease, then you also have the right as a tenant to some more privacy. Of course that will be difficult to enforce with relatives!

 

Having said all that, there are ways around a controlling MIL! When you want to do something, go to DIL! get your DH to approach him about a surprise he wants to do for you on your anniversary or whatever celebration is handy. Sometimes you have to think things through. Maybe it is time for DH to sit down with his Dad and say "this isn't working, we dont feel lke this is our home as we cant do anything without permission, how we can we make this easier without hurting Mom's feelings" Explain where you are at but come in from the side and present it in a different manner.

 

Like for the dog, if DH wanted a dog to know that you were safe while he was at work, that would make sense. If the garden was to enable you to eat properly when money is tight, it would make sense. But if at the ned of the day the MIL sees you spending unneccessary money when they are aready paying your bills, then you have to show her that your plans are to make the money go further.

[Crazy4Canning]

FP,

 

I so wish I could wave a magic wand and 'poof' we all get what we want in the world. But - then where would growth and appreciation be? Right. Sometimes we could really do without that 'life growth'.

 

I second SkagitGal about the drive for med school. It is an arduous road. I mean terrible. Unless it's his driving desire EVERY SINGLE DAY of his life, and he truly feels CALLED to do it, find something else - RN, PA, etc. Clinics over-work PA's and RN's - he's sure to get a job there. The grant/scholarship thing is also VERY viable if he really has that burning desire. If he's just looking at medicine for the money...keep looking for a career - something that causes him to bounce out of bed every single morning (dark of winter, heat of summer) to LOVE LOVE LOVE what he does with ABSOLUTELY NO regrets. Then you've found a winner and you will be supremely happy.

 

I say this, because I was pre-med in undergrad school for 3.5 years. Due to a number of factors, I 'woke up' and realized medicine was someone else's dream for my life. I switched majors my 4th year in college, did 3 year major in 1 and pulled a double major and double minor. I DID NOT get my teaching certs in a traditional way and I'm so glad I didn't. I'm so much happier teaching than I would have been in medicine. Sure, I had the smarts and the money would have been REALLY great, but it wasn't my destiny or what God had for me.

 

I've no idea what your spiritual orientation is, but I would encourage some reflective meditation - about a number of things.

 

1. Honesty about life direction and viable steps to get there. What is your career/ job path, life desires? Do they coincide with his? How can you both get there reasonably? I understand about the student loan factor. I'm there too. Believe me. I'm having to pay CASH to finish my dissertation and EdD.

 

2. Setting boundaries with MIL. If you don't have a standard lease/contract, GET ONE, even in a loose form. Worst case, you could be evicted as 'squatters' without it. I've seen it happen around here.

 

3. The above agreement naturally leads to expectations regarding the house/land upkeep. In our area, gardens are viewed as assets. A dog is for protection. Animals are also therapeutic. etc.etc.etc.

 

Your life being viewed through someone else's eyes is always an eye-opener. I would ask your MIL/FIL seriously what their expectations are and where they see you in a few years - BEST and WORST case. The worst case is often the most enlightening. You can see the reasons behind their concern/paranoia or adamant/bossy or unreasonable behavior. Kind of helps to turn the situation inside out.

 

Just curious (and you don't have to answer this) what does your side of the family say about this? Are they supportive or not?

 

Finally, dear, some things in life, you just have to lean back, let go and hang on for the ride. Inspite of the gentle inquiries, tap dancing, hinting, etc. and your burning desire to know the rules and expectations, sometimes we can't or aren't supposed to see the forest through the trees.

 

I don't expect this to be any sort of band-aid or magical fix, rather maybe something here rang a note of truth and will be a point of reflection.

 

If you want, pm me and we can chat...if not, it's okay. You & your family will be in my prayers.

 

[twilap]

This posting has me remembering my own "DMIL from Hades", that lady was just plain intolorable and she was the only person entitled to an opinion or capable of making a rational decision about anything! After years of being bossed around by this female, Atilla the Hun, I finally blew my top and told her exactially how I felt.... bad move on my part!

 

Sister I FEEL FOR YA because I know how it felt to have a MIL that the Devil himself would have hidden from! Have ya considered container gardening? They have some really nice plant containers that are decorative as well and would look good on the patio in the back yard. Maybe you could suggest to her that you would be just as happy to have a raised garden in a corner of the back yard... My DF helped me do that when I lived in Phx, and I planted twice a year, rotating whe veges that I grew in it.

 

Greens like Swiss Chard, will grow nicely in an elongated planter and as long as you keep cutting the plants down routinely, they will keep producing all season and into the fall if watered. I've canned chard just like you would can spinach and it makes a nice addition to the pantry and winter food supplies. I grew tomato plants in large decorative planters in our pool area... flowers would have been prettier but hey it worked for me.

 

Are you crafty? You said you sew.... there are numerous consignment stores all over the valley that are happy to sell homemade items for just a small commision fee. Many of these stores allow the "crafters" to rent an area of the store and set up their own display area to show their finished products that are for sale. This might help you bring in a little extra income while you figure things out.

 

Are you able to work part-time? Is DH still in school? It sounds to me like there are so many things impacting your life right now that you're beginning to feel over-whelmed. Sit down, take a few deep breaths and just concentrate on getting thru the holidays first... then re-assess the situation and go from there.

[Annarchy]

I read this post through and agree with most of the advice given, some of it I can use with my MIL... .

 

I hope things are resolved and your relationship blooms. (In my prayers.)

[FunkyPioneer]

Wow~ Thanks for all the great advice you all. After a fun Christmas I have done a lot of thinking and I have come to the conclusion that quite possibly my MIL is extra stressed with my DHs grandparents moving in with her, DH's dad quite possibly may loose his job (construction) and if that happens the house we're living in will have to be sold most likely and must be in tip top condition(although I think a garden would be an asset, she may not). DH got me a pots and dirt for starting seeds, gardening in the desert books, fig and guava tree for Christmas and I will grow them in big old pots, I got some empty buckets from the local bakery for doing hanging gardens, the compost pile is doing good, and I just had someone email me about giving me 7 more chickens (which because they are bantams I hope I can hide the extras from MIL LOL) So a seemly impossible situation has some rays of light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks so much for helping me keep my cool, because as good as it would feel telling MIL off, the long term issues would not be worth it. I'm just going to be thankful for what I have and do my best. ;0)

[FunkyPioneer]

twilap~ I do have a small business I am working on, I've made a little bit of money, but I'm having a hard time juggling it and taking care of the kids and the house. Its kinda like taking kids to work with me and its not working well.

[Crazy4Canning]

FP,

 

Things worked out fine for me with my MIL. (Knock me over with a feather!) I hope they did for you too.

 

 

[ol'momma]

You gals might find this quote from Erma Bombeck (remember her?) amusing...

"I view Mother-in-laws who wear black armbands to the wedding as EXPENDIBLE."

[Crazy4Canning]

Ummm...mine didn't wear a black armband, but she did annoyingly dress in a similar color when she was told NOT to...

[zzelle]

praying everything works out