Help! Kids and kitchen chores

[MommyofSeven]

I'm not sure where to post this and mainly I just need to vent. So again, just pat me on the head, say yes dear, and go on your way.

 

Oldest DD, who's 14, is in charge of dishes onthe weekend. She doesn't do them during the week cause sports practice often keeps her gone until 6ish. She has homework, plus some evening chores, so no time for her to do dishes. Next oldest kid is 7, and right now I have neither the patience or the time to coach him on doing dishes, I've tried. Yesterday (Saturday), she had a game, so I handled the dishes. If she'd have been out playing or some such, she'd have owed me loads on her days off from school, but when she has a school thing, she's excused. Today, there are so many dishes piled up there's no counter space, no stove space, no clean silverware, no clean bowls, etc. I am in tears as I'm making banana bread in the dining room, making 35 trips into the kitchen to get ingredients. I go looking for my measuring spoons, and they are sitting in the same greasy load they've been sitting in for about 3 hours or so.

 

The thing is, we have this battle EVERY Sunday. If there were dishes left over from Friday, I do them Saturday early morning, before anyone else is up. By Sunday, she's done the bare minimum to get by. I am constantly either having to ask her to wash things or having to wash them myself. There is NOTHING that ticks me off more than to have a fussy baby ready for a nap and find NO clean bottles (we have NINE).

 

DH is gone 12 hours a day. So by the time he gets home he's pretty tired, and I don't expect him to help much. If I was working (actively working, even at home) it would be different, I'd expect him to help.

 

She is good in other areas, and I make sure to tell her that. But I'm tired of the dish battle. When I'm doing what seems like the 18th load of dishes for the day, I feel like the maid. Usually my Monday morning chores are delayed while I wash the dishes she blew off. I don't think having a break on the weekends is too much to ask. Am I wrong?

 

Mo7

[Keiko]

*Big Hug* I can understand why you're so frustrated! I HATE trying to work around dishes.

 

It sounds like this is an ongoing battle...and I don't have a 14 year old (yet!). Is there any way you can make it easier for both of you? I always feel like the maid on the weekend too - and the nanny. Funny, it never gets to me during the week. I just try to make sure I'm not doing major cooking/baking on the weekend...usually making casseroles ahead and having something baked up for easy breakfasts. And I buy special "treats" (like frozen pizza or tv dinners or recently we've been eating "meals in a jar" that I've canned) at least once a month so I get a weekend food-prep vacation. Otherwise I get totally burned out.

 

And FWIW, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to help out...sounds like you're being extremely nice and reasonable about the whole thing.

[SueC]

I thought about this for a bit, trying to remember how I tackled kids and dishes. I think what worked for a while, was the older child washed the dishes,

Sue

[8thsinner]

I don't know what your kids are like but I doubt any 14 yr old would consider washing and drying to be qulaity time. They usually have something else on their mind.

I don't have kids but thats the age range I teach usually, As a power figure in work it's easy to just make them do stuff like dishes. The usual tricks were you wanna be the first out you wipe the tables down etc.

 

But anyway heres a few suggestions.

Assign each of them dishes to be called their own. And do NOT wash those dishes before serving up the food. Simple as that, they want to eat of clean plates then they have to clean up after them selves. Might be a bit cruel but if all there is is dirty dishes then they will have to clean up eventually. Question is can you out last them in will power.

 

This will not make them want to wash any other dishes so you need other incentives.....A treat system can work but I do not believe in giving in to certain things. Even with a seven yr old, they should learn to do what they are told when there told and not that they can bargain themselves a better deal. So simply restrict their freedom.

 

I do aggree with the idea of getting both your kids working together on the dishes for several reasons.

1) If the need should ever arise your youngest will be used to taking instruction from the older child giving them no reason to fight over power in other situations. In emergencies this status and trust developed could be very beneficial.

2) It will give them a time to talk to each other and a place where they have to learn to work together, possibly even want to work together. even if there not at each others throats all the time this may lead to a very strong relation ship between them later in life.

 

Other ideas.......As we are in the technological age why not think about getting a dish washer.....It might not be very green minded but it Might solve a few issues...

 

I think the whole thing (maybe not the younger) here is a testing part of the relationship, DD is probably testing to find out how far she can push the lines between you. Well heres a lesson for her when she moves out she will have to do her own dishes so drill it in now and it might make college life a little tidier (Hopefully).

 

I am not gonna think on this further cause I realise that it might sound like I am trying to tell someone how to raise their kids, well I am not nor am I even convinced I would use these tactics however I leave them here for histoical purposes........or something........aside the fact that I typed it out and don't like wasting time.....

[MomHomeSchools4]

I have a 14dd, 9dd, 6ds, and 3ds.

 

My 14yo does most of the dishes after supper. We do have a dishwasher (thank all that is good! LOL) but it can be alot of work. I recently moved my 9yo from "diningroom duty" to helping my oldest in the kichen. Mainly because its time now for my 6yo to help more. He will be clearing and wiping the table and putting the chairs up.

 

Most of the time the girls run me out of the kitchen so I will read to them while they work. They'd rather have me read than help them clean.

 

Personally I really like this too. We are reading good chapter books this way. We've gone through the little house books, all the narnia books, and have started on some of the american girl stories. My reading keeps the arguments down because when they start argueing, I stop reading.

[Jewlzm]

lol I just went through this battle.. call me cruel.. but I served my girls dinner cold.. in their hands because they were banned from using my dishes

[MomHomeSchools4]

Quote:

lol I just went through this battle.. call me cruel.. but I served my girls dinner cold.. in their hands because they were banned from using my dishes

[Safety Lady 2]

My kids would fight who would put the dishes in the dishwasher. All three now have kids close to 14 and is fighting the same battle.

[westbrook]

well... save yesterdays dishes for today.... they want to eat the do the dishes. Make sure the food is nice and dried on the plates.

 

then tell them if they did the dishes right after dinner it would be a breeze.

 

We did dishes as a family.. we had a whole ritual... we all clear our places, NO dishwasher cept our own two hands, put dishes on sink.. one boy washed one dried.. I didn't care which! While I made tea and got the desert out (and canned any leftovers). I would have the little pampered princess set the table for both dinner and desert/tea. when the dishes were done we would go back to the table and finish talking. I would get the calander off the wall and make sure I have the game plan down (who has to be where and when), we would finish talking about the day, talk about some interesting current event, anything they needed casue I was going grocery shopping (until they started cooking and they made up the list and did the shopping.. while acted obnoxious and touched things and lagged behind ... really there to pay the bill).

 

so for us it was part of the dinner ritual, doing dishes so we could continue talking about anything. I did the desert dishes, turned off the canner, while the kids showered, get in jammies (even in high school) and settled into their own personal routines for the evening.

 

With just 3 of us, the ritual still continues only now I do it all. LOL! I leave the pampered princess and her dad at the table to chit chat.

[Darlene]

I just kept it simple with my girls...

 

I asked for the oldest to do the dishes.

 

She had a complete fit.

 

I said fine, now you can do them tonight AND tomorrow night, and she threw a bigger fit...

 

I said I understand, now you can do them tonight, tomorrow night and the night after, and if you keep up with this, I'll just keep adding days.

 

She didn't believe me till we got to day 7, and she DID do them 7 days in a row.

 

NOW she believes me, and the battle has been won.

 

I've spoiled all my children as much as the next one, made my fair share of mistakes and now that I'm older and they're older, I look back and say HEY! WAIT A MINUTE...*I* am the mom, WE are a family, EVERYONE contributes to this home.

 

I've learned that there will always be resistance when introducing constructive things like organization and chores. Any child is going to push the envelope as far as YOU let them push it, that's their job.

 

There's no reason why any child that is of stable walking age can't contribute SOMEthing appropriate for their age. I don't remember how old your children are, but they should ALL (or at least the ones old enough) should be contributing, even if it's only a 2 year old carrying a spoon to the sink to help out.

 

You're cheating them if you don't require them to pitch it. You're denying them the satisfaction and good feeling they get when they do a job well done. Yes, they are gonna pitch an absolute fit, but trust me when I tell you, you're robbing them of something very important if you don't require them to fulfill their responsibility. I know this to be fact, I did it ALL wrong too, and learned, a little later than I wish I had, but I learned the value of everyone contributing to a family.

 

I'm sure you're feeling VERY overwhelmed, and you carry a huge load with taking care of your family. That is your choice, that was my choice and it is DOABLE. If your daughter doesn't wash the dishes on Friday and Saturday, or Saturday and Sunday (whichever days you have assigned her the job), then there are consequences for her blatent lack of respect. She's a SMART girl, and she's got you figured out (at least in this area)...she knows she can let it go and even if she hasta listen to you correct her, she's willing to pay the price to do it HER way.

 

Raise the bar...raise the price of her consequence. Perhaps missing one of those things she wants to do next time, or 2 or 3, depending on how rebellious she chooses to be. There's no need for any emotion on your part, facts are facts, rules are rules, and she must follow the rules.

 

One of the reasons I know how to do so much of what I know today, in taking care of a home and children is because at 9 years old, I was cooking and doing dishes and cleaning toilets in bathrooms and cleaning the house, washing clothes, etc etc etc. Even though I spoiled my children a little too much and did too much and didn't require them to do more for many years, I realized that I had screwed up almost before it was too late. It's all still a work in progress but at least now they believe me when I tell them they hafta do something.

 

 

 

Oh, and btw...

 

"Yes, dear"...

 

(((((Mo7)))))

[Camasjune]

DDs 16 and 11. I won't cook unless the dishes are done. That simple. Yes, I have to remind them every day, like I've reminded them every day for the past several years.

[Necie]

When all 3 kids were home I'd say "YOU-DO THE DISHES!" Dishes were done.

 

Even now-with just DD-I say "DO THE DISHES!" She does dishes. If she calls at work and I ask "Ya got the dishes done yet?" She says "No." I say "I want them done by such-and-such a time." I ask DBF later if they were done by such-and-such time. He says "Yep."

 

Point being: If I say nothing, nothing gets done. If I say "Do it.", it gets done. This has not changed in 20 years. Even though they know they are suppose to do 'whatever', they won't do it unless you tell them to-EVERY TIME.

[Phatkat1956]

DS and DGS (STB-13 & 8) each cooks a meal one night a week from something my Dad used to say: "Come in, sit down and have a look, the first to complain is the next meal's cook!"

[MommyofSeven]

Some of these are downright hilarious, all of them helpful, and I really appreciate it.

 

DS7 and DD5 do help, son puts dishes away, daughter puts silver away. Everyone has other chores.

 

Yes, I was/am feeling overwhelmed. I just redid my chore lists and not one day has gotten done. They are prioritized now, so that stuff can be moved around, but still. Part of the problem is one I have no control over and is completely outside of our home, yet manages to throw us into complete chaos.

 

The maintenance man of our apartment complex is a complete jerk. One day DH and I were reorganizing the pantry, in which we'd stored several boxes that didn't get unpacked after we mved in. As we're pulling boxes out, dragging them along the floor, we find water, the boxes are making slime trails across the floor as we drag them cause they are soaked. We do some further investigating and hot water heater is leaking. I go tell the manager of the complex and she rushes over with maint man, who's (thankfully) only hear on Fridays. He comes over, asseses the problem, says he'llb e back on Monday with new heater. Then says "Your floor is really dirty" The manager thought he was joking. I mean, we'd just dragged soaked boxes out of the closet, of course they are dirty. Apparently we should have waited and cleaned the mess before notifying him of a major problem-but waiting isa violation of our lease. Anyway...

 

Few mos. later, the drain pipe for my washer gets clogged. Now, we have a laundry room on site, but getting into it is a major challenge. 1 washer and 1 dryer, at the time only open 9 am until 4 pm, for 18 apartments, and me with a baby to take with me while I do laundry. We find the clog on Sat or Sunday, can't do laundry at all. Including wash cloths for cleaning, so by the time he gets there on Friday, kitchen is a little iffy. Stove needs to be washed off, floor needs to be scrubbed (I didn't have a mop at the time, no $$), and counter tops are not perfect. He fixes the drain pipe, then sends the manager outside and tells me my apartment is atrocious, and that htis is the second time he's had to talk to me about it. I tell him I was unable to do laundry, to which he replies that the complex generously provides a laundry room. He says either I am a slob or DH is lazy and doesn't help. He adds that if he finds the apartment a mess again he will have no choice but to report it to his boss (the manager of a related complex and also technically over this complex) and I could be evicted.

 

Mind you, at this point, all the other rooms are clean. Living room and my room is of course, cluttered with toys and baby stuff, but overall the house is clean. Dirty clothes sorted into hampers, floors swept, dishes mostly clean, just the breakfast stuff from that morning, etc.

 

DH and I talk and decide that from now on he'll fix whatever he can fix so that maint man doesn't have to come. But the leaky pipe thing he can't fix, or rather won't fix cause if he doesn't do it exactly right they will know he fixed it and that is a violation of our lease. I told maint man about this on Friday when he was here, I found the extra water when I was scrubbing kitchen floor that day (I have a mop now and mop 2x/wk but still scrub on hands and knees 1x/wk cause the kitchen floor gets so icky). He said he'd be by that afternoon. He forgot. The following Friday, after I had busted butt to get the kitchen in what I think is his pristine condition, he didn't show up to fix it either.

 

So just having the apartment be pristine for his arrival does put a lot of stress on me. My home is never dirty enough that I'm embarassed to have cmpany over, even when I was sleeping as much as possible i the earlier days of being pregnant. There are always dishes soaking or in the dish drainer, and there's usually something cookig on the stove, so there may be a bit of stuff on the stove top, but it's wiped down every evening and taken apart 2x a week to be completely cleaned. The big traffic areas (entire apartment is tile floors) are mopped 2x a weeka nd the rest 1x/wk. The dining room is more of a playroom, cause my dining room table won't fit in there, and the toys are organized into baskets and bins, but he doesn't like that it's not used for a dining room. The bedrooms are picked up daily and thoroughly cleaned on the weekends.

 

All in all my kids are good kids and do their stuff, but this guy puts a TON of pressure on me. He's been nicer since I was appointed to the board of commissioners (technically, I'm his boss now), but he hasn't yet been in my apartment since then. I'm much easier to get along with when we aren't expecting a visit from him. But he keeps putting me off, so that keeps increasing the pressure.

 

Anyway, I had decided to just take over the dishes after waking up at 4:30 Monday morning, after she promised she'd finished the dishes Sunday night, to make a bottle and again find NO CLEAN BOTTLES. I was irate. But you all have convinced me that I'm right and she needs to have this responsibility. I am also going to have her start showing DS7 the proper way to do the dishes.

 

Well this turned into a book and I have to get the kids up and ready for school, but thank yo uall so much for all your laughter and suggestions, I will certainly be implementing some of them.

 

Mo7

[Shawna]

All I can say is the Maintenance man must have never had kids.....your house can be pristine one moment and ten minutes later a three-foot tornado can sweep through

[mistylady]

You got some great advice here! I'm not able to add anything to that! My kids are both banned from the kitchen since they are little but I'm looking forward to having a cute little dishwasher in a few years!

 

Your maintence man has a mental problem if he thinks that your floor is dirty! Send him this way - I went to the farm house night before last and there were 30 - 40 dead ladybugs on the kitchen floor. They were in every room but seem to like the kitchen a lot. We get invaded with them in the hundreds (literally) every year that someone grows soy beans near where we are living. So just send him to me and I'll show him what dirty floors look like!

[Safety Lady 2]

He would have a heart attack if he saw my floors. I have a huge dog who is a baby and we keep in indoors. My bathrooms need cleaning. I have grandkids over (all boys) and they are not so hot hitting the big round white thingy in the bathroom. DHs shower needs cleaning badly. He cleans his own and doesn't do it often. The list goes on and on.

[Jennysmama]

MommyofSeven, that is an awful situation you have with your maintenance man! I've been the manager of two different, very large, apartment complexes, and all I can say is if a maintenance man on my staff had spoken to a tenant the way that man spoke to you, I would've had a fit! As long as a place doesn't look like the health department needs to be called in, and there's been no damage beyond fair wear and tear, it's none of the manager's or maintenance staff's business what kind of housekeeper they think you are!

 

As to kids and chores, I started Jenny with chores when she was a toddler. She was responsible at the age of 2 for putting away her toys and for collecting the small wastebaskets from each room and dumping them into the larger one in the kitchen. As she got older, I added more jobs to her list, a step at a time--folding washcloths, dishcloths and hand towels at first, then towels, underwear, t-shirts, etc., then full laundry. Did the same with kitchen chores and general cleaning.

 

Jenny is 16 now and I can't tell you the last time I had to tell her to do a chore...it's been years. Doing her part around the house was just ingrained in her from the beginning. She can cook and clean and maintain a home just about as well as I can now. But I'm sure it's easier for us, since she's the only child and she's homeschooled, so when her dad is on the road (he's a trucker), it's just the two of us at home. She has just naturally picked up on everything. I agree with everyone else's advice: just make your expectations--and the consequences for lack of compliance--very clear, and then follow through.

[Phatkat1956]

My MIL had a cross stitched sign hanging in her kitchen and it was always clean it said:

 

If you come to see me...come to any time!

If you come to see my house, make an appointment!

[Shawna]

Quote:

If you come to see me...come to any time!
If you come to see my house, make an appointment!

Amen Sista!
Shawna

[MommyofSeven]

Well we had a little chat, and I finally found what is important to her...games. She plays three sports a year, and I told her that if dishes weren't getting done, she wouldn't be going to games. Still have to practice, no opportunity for games. I have the schedule for the upcoming seasons so It's easy to mark on the calendar when she's grounded.

 

This morning I walked into a kitchen with only last night's pots and pans to be washed. It was such a joy. She's not responsible for Sunday night dinner dishes, but she is for Fridays. Ahhhhh....

 

Thanks, ladies, for helping me stick to my guns!

 

Mo7

[Shawna]

Awesome!

 

Good luck!!

Shawna

[Phatkat1956]

I glad it's working, and there is one added benefit to her learning these things now. My daughter hated me for making her learn to clean, cook and do laundry. Her first night at college, she watched her roomate cry because she was hungry and didn't know how to fry herself a egg. (I was a little upset that my DD didn't fry her one!) The girl ended up calling her Mom who drove 3 hours to fry her an egg sandwich. This girl was by no means prepared to face the world that she was thrown into. Your daughter may not be happy about it, but she will be prepared. (My daughter's excuse was the girl didn't want to learn, she would have taught her; she wanted someone to do it for her and she wasn't doing that.)

 

[MommyofSeven]

Yeah, PK, I'm right there with you on that one. Cleaning in my house growing up meant living like slobs until the day before my dad came home (he was an OTR truck driver) and then going into a cleaning frenzy, accompanied by much crying and screaming, because it was a stressful situation. So I've had to LEARN a lot of things-how to maintain a clean house, how to clean without stress, how to cook, etc.

 

When we were staying with friends, their 14 year old daughter had never had to do any chores, except room cleaning, which was always done in the above manner. Frenzied cleaning, lots of screaming and crying. Boy was she resistant to my teacher her to do daily chores. But I kept telling her "one of these days you will be out on your own. Do you want to live with a roommate who doesn't know how to clean? Well that is the type of roommate YOU will be."

 

Thanks!

 

Mo7