I can't believe this KID!!!

[chefddr]

ok so you will get to know me pretty quickly, I am, as they say, an open book.

 

Single mom, 2 kids, going through a divorce, kids mine not his. all of us with MH diagnoses. I am on disability and make ends meet by cleaning homes, without it, my kids wouldn't have heat or electric, etc... you get the drift.

 

Kids are PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from recent revelation of 2yrs of abuse by a pedophile, I am Bi-Polar and suffer from depression at times and anxiety, and PTSD as well. Kids are also ADHD/ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and anxiet disorder NOS, but being treated for bi-polar as well. I call us the alphabet soup family.

 

ok, so my youngest, Jake came home from the hospital yesterday after 12 days in the psych unit. I celebrated with a nice shrimp dinner, cookies ice cream, etc... Today it rained most of the AM so I am doing laundry and trying to get caught up on things. Get on the computer (OK, I confess, I am ADDICTED)and I hear a loud crash from upstairs. I go upstairs to investigate and the little monster put a 2foot round hole in the plaster in the wall of his room! I yelled a little, cleaned it all up, mopped the floor, and complained about how I was going to afford to get it fixed (we rent). I go back to my work of laundry etc... and I go back into his room to check on him and he had decided to crush and dump a whole bag of tortilla chips on his bedroom floor (yes, the one I just washed). I clean it up again. While all of this is going on, I am still trying to get him to take his medicine - he is a warrior when it comes to taking 2 tiny pills every day. So, he says, "I'm running away" and the back door slams. I say to myself, ah, peace and quiet! Yup, and I enjoyed every single second of it. I didn't even bother looking for him until about 2 hours later and I found him after one phone call. He stayed away with friends most of the afternoon. I am blessed.

 

I just wonder how much longer I can keep this up and how much worse can it get. I have been dealing with this for 6 years.....oh yeah, and his 12 yr old brother is on probation for having a pellet gun! He is doing boot camp every weekend. Both boys are starting therapy to deal with the abuse, they each have a mobile therapist who comes to the house and helps us all.

 

Thanks for letting me post, I just needed a way to get this out of my system. I am not looking for sympathy, but prayers would be greatly appreciated!

[mom11]

Oh chefddr! I can! Click on my name and read all about it...It is so quiet tonight...The TWO are in camp for five peaceful days...I'm a married -single mom, kids are his... biologically only, and I wish, I only had to give out two tiny pills a day...One of them loves to accuse me of poisoning him, with his fistful...None of which work...It's hole(S) in the walls around here, furniture has flown down the stairs, along with a puppy, rooms torn apart, even the beds, including mattress, window broken out...on purpose....One of the children has spent over 800 days in the psychiatric hospital...Yes...I can believe that child...I believe every, single word you wrote...BUT believe it or not, we miss those little boys tonight...They didn't ask for all of these problems, although they certainly got them. However..It is certainly peaceful right now...I don't even want to go to bed...I don't want to miss a minute of it! You aren't alone!

[clutterbug]

1. why did you clean up his mess the first time? what do you think he learned by you cleaning up after him? hint: he learned he can destroy things & not be even inconviened by cleaning up the mess he made. And here is the sad thing: in the name of mohterly love, you denied him the opportunity to learn an important lesson in cause & effect. And it would be a tough lesson but heres a basic tenent of psychology & mohtering: no on learns lessons the easy way. No one says "well gosh that certainly was easy so I'll remember how easy that was for the rest of my life." Nope, people say "it was hard, here's what happened, then this other part happened, then that happened. And I remember it, because I learned from it.

 

2. why did you clean up his mess the 2nd time? ok, since there isn't much he learned from your cleaning up his mess, what did you learn from cleaning up after him? I'd say, not much except that when you let this kid get away with too much, he runs off. In other works, he destroyed something, then you didn't let him know what happens in the real world (namely, someone will open a can of whupass & use it on him). Then he makes a mess & pushes some more because it YOU taught him it was okay to destroy / mess things up. And then he left because there was nothing for him to do while you cleaned up his mess.

 

[Cat]

clutterbug, you're perfectly correct in your comments for a "normal" child. Cause and effect, learning responsibility, etc...

 

But if you read her post, these boys are not what most people would term "normal". Even just the short time I worked with Kindergarteners, I quickly found out what just *some* of these behaviors are like. No amount of "training" can MAKE a child like this create a link in his mind between cause and effect.

 

Be gentle in your assessment from afar of a "special needs" child. She's getting professional help for them, and is just trying to blow off a little steam in this post.

 

 

 

[mom11]

Clutterbug..I am sure your words are intended to be useful, but you just don't have a clue...Cause and effect....They "cause" the damage and the "effect" of making them clean up their mess, while they are in such an uncontrollable rage means the "effect' could be the furniture going out the window, you or a sibling being hurt, them hurting themselves...There's always some worse "cause" waiting for them to do. These children ignite in a flash. They usually don't even know what has ignited them. I deal with this most every second, of every day, with TWO of THEM.

 

This mom is doing all she can. Mental health care is not like physical health care. There usually isn't going to be a cure. The children's brains are damaged, as abnormal, as they can get. They don't see the world as we see it, and they sure don't handle it the way a rational person does. I am guessing that this mom's boys, are qualified for full time residential care, but she is doing everything her worn out body can, to keep those children in a home. It is a thankless, never ending job. It is usually the mom "hired" for the job, with no help...That's the way, I see it anyway. These children often do not sleep for days. In a second, they can undo something, that has taken you days to accomplish. When in a rage, they are hyper-strong. I cannot hold my 7 year down. Two of us can't. He will rip my hair, gouge me, bite, bash his head into ANYTHING..If he works free from you, he will go for what you love and destroy it on the spot. He will go for scissors, pencils, anything he can to try and hurt you with, and he moves with lightening speed. He threw a fit last week and my Aaron (17) had to chase him down the road, with Aaron speeding on his bicycle and when he caught up with him, he had to peel him out of a neighbor's 30ft. pine tree....

 

Now then...There is also his 15 year old brother to deal with, who is all of the above and also pychotic and paranoid...Cause and effect....The "cause" here is, God made them this way. This is how they are, there is some reason, somewhere...The "effect" is, I have to protect, cherish, care for, pray for.... these children, until I take my last breath. I love them and they didn't ask for this.

 

These children are human beings, they are very, very sick children. They didn't ask for THIS, they were born this way. There are two sides to these children..They aren't monsters. My 15 year old was born naturally close to God. Maybe he is one of those, with God's word already in his heart. He has read the Bible, repeatedly, over and over again. He has so many dreams, most of which will never be fullfilled. He will never spend the night at a friend's house, never drive a car, never live independently, and if he goes to college, it will be with his mother, right beside him. He is also so caring. I broke down one day this week...I had tried everything to free us, from their father, and I went outside and was crying by my garden...This child hunted, until he found me. He came and out his arm around me and wanted to know if I was OK....

 

The little one is yet to be potty trained, but is so bright. He is rattling off Latin with the rest of the chicks, reading far ahead of grade level, and learning to lay the drums. He is articulate, sometimes, we wish for a little speech delay. He, like his brother has a side to him, in total contrast to his rages. he is kind, gentle, funny, loving...Then "snap."

 

chefddr..I will pray for you! I'm sorry for what you go through.

[MommyofSeven]

Prayers for you, chefddr.

 

Mo7

[chefddr]

I haven't had an outpouring of love like this in forever! My son just got home from the hospital where he was for 12 days because he threatened to kill himself, and then said he wanted to kill me and his brother. I guess I will just keep cleaning up messes not to set him off. I know that in a normal situation that would be the wrong answer, but we aren't living in a normal situation. He also has a horrible habit of urinating on carpets, clean clothes, stuffed animals, beds, furniture etc... I love this child with my life. In our old house we tore out the carpeting in his room twice, never replacing it the second time. Then came the divorce and the revelation of the abuse by a pedophile over the course of 2 years, (no relation to our family, he has over 20 vics.) and all the emotional turmoil that goes along with it. He is ready to start talking about it and I am waiting to get him into weekly therapy with a specialist in childhood sexual abuse (as well as his brother) and he will have a Mobile Therapist weekly too. I dread Thursday when school is out for the summer! They will both be going to day camp starting at the end of the month, but not on weekends, I'm gonna have to get creative since they need to be kept busy so they stay out of trouble. Too bad the local pool is shut for the summer for repairs, it was my hope to keep them occupied since we moved out of the rental community we were in due to the divorce.

 

You know what my main concern is when I think of Preparedness?? PSYCH MEDS!!! Between us we are on 7 meds!! (plus my diabetes med and my thyroid med) When they run out, how will we get them since we can only get a 30 day supply at a time??? Scary scenario for this mom. I don't want to loose my boys!! We will always have food and a place to stay even if it means going to moms (my last choice), but without meds, life will be a nightmare!!

[anitapreciouspearl]

I can only imagine the pain you're describing. My heart goes out to you!!

 

((((HUGS)))

[Ambergris]

Chefddr--you are in a horrible situation, and my heart goes out to you.

 

Some medical plans give you a 90-day supply if you mail-order your meds. In one of the plans around here (not mine!) the 90-day supply only costs a 60-day co-payment, so you're doubly ahead. Maybe you can check into whether this is available in your area?

 

Also, see how long before the end of a month you can pick up your meds. You'd be in a better position on day 29 if you have 32 days' meds in hand than if you had 1 day's.

[mom11]

chefddr....My 7 year old takes 4 meds. , my 15 year old 10. Meds. are my biggest worry. Oe thing that slows my boys down, when I am desperate is to give them Benadryl, throughout the day. Some kids, do get more hyper, but not mine. I told the psy. this month, when he didn't call me back, and I waited a month, that here is what I am doing...I'm giving the little rot, .1 clonidine and a benadryl, as soon as he opens his eyes. He is prescribed clonidine, 2 x a day, by the neurologist, for facial tics., but it made him to drowsy, all day long....Now though, when he is going through a "cycle," I'm giving it to him. Both of these boys take clonidine at bedtime, for sleep. Ask about it and it is cheap. Also, for sleep, the pediatrician prescribed melatonin and it also works. It helps get the children to sleep through the night.

 

I also save every pill. If a child is switched to another med., I still save the old ones. I may be desperate some day and have to use what I have...The consequences might not be pretty. The older boy has Addisson's disease and his life depends on some of his meds. and I worry about it, every day. When they switched him to another steroid, I saved all of the old. I refill the meds. the first chance I get. You could possibly ask your psychiatrist for some samples, depending on what meds. your boys are on.

[Ambergris]

I am not a medical professional.

 

There's a non-medical treatment out for PTSD. It can even be implemented at home, if you stumble into a receptive mood that might last ten minutes.

 

Sit him down. Sit down facing him with something eye-catching in your hand. (I've seen an ink pen work, but a blinking cat-toy worked better.) Tell him to think about the worst thing that ever happened to him. Just think about it, not talk about it. And watch your hand with eyes only. While he thinks, you swing the eye-catcher at arm's length in big arcs, up and down until your arm won't take that any more, then back and forth, and so on, switching arms at need.

 

People who don't have PTSD process horrific scenes largely through dreams, gradually bleeding off the pressure and coming to terms with what happened. People with PTSD wall off horrific scenes in toxic bubbles that burst at unpredictable times. PTSD people have significantly fewer dreams than people who don't have PTSD. A part of dreaming is rapid eye movement. You are mechanically reproducing rapid eye movement while focusing his mind on a traumatic event.

 

Try this no more often than once every several days, unless he asks for a session before then. If this will help your individual, it will produce noticeable results in six or eight sessions. If not, it didn't cost anything and was worth a try.

[Becca_Anne]

Having children with these kinds of challenges is SO exhausting and difficult. Normal parenting strategies just do not work on some kids. There are things that do help, but they don't come out of typical parenting playbooks. I have kids that are typical and kids that arent and the approaches that worked on my typical kids don't on my autism spectrum kids. Making them clean up when they were upset only lead to bigger meltdowns. Waiting until they had regained their composure and then having them help me did to some extent. It didn't teach them cause and effect not to do it next time but it made me feel better that I did make them clean it up. However only you know what your own child is capable of coping with and what is working for you

 

My autism spectrum children have grown out of a lot of their extreme behavior, but I well remember the days when it was all I could do to get through the next minute without losing it. I feel very deeply for you and I hope with all my heart that with time and counselling your children will cope better Do you have a counsellor of your own? I know sometimes its impossible to find the time or $ to take care of YOU but it's so important to take care of your own mental health needs.

 

 

[Jeepers]

Chefddr, I have no advice but plenty of------>

[MomM]

(((Chefddr)))! You can vent here all you want. We will listen and pray.

[chefddr]

Thanks everyone! Well here is more you will love.

 

Yesterday (Sunday) Jake decided to make the hole in his wall bigger, I was thrilled but didn't say a word. When it came time to sit and eat dinner, I called the boys and we were talking, Jake did't want to eat, and that doesn't bother me either. My older son just home from a weekend away started to yell at me and I guess I raised my voice back at him. About 20 min later, Jake was MISSING!! I mean REALLY MISSING, can't find him at any of our friends, drove through town for an hour, still MISSING. I went to the Police Department and reported him missing. Due to the fact that he is a crime victim, they put a bulliten out that he was a Missing and Endangered Child. I quickly ran to RiteAid to get some pics made at the Kiosk, I had my camera with me, but the stupid thing didn't recognize my memory card. They actually took his school pic, scanned it, made me 2 8x10 copies, didn't take any money and off I went to the PD so they would all have pics of my kid (as if they don't already know what my kids look like!!). I kept searching, and finally came home. Who do I find when I walk in the front door? JAKE sitting here at the Computer as though nothing has happened. I quickly called the PD and called off the search. Called all our friends, one who had gone home about 2 hours before and had just gotten home, (he came to give Jake a Motorcycle ride!! He is head of the local BACA Bikers Against Child Abuse Chapter) said he would turn around immediately and was on his way back!! The "nice police officer" came and talked to Jake, and then he TOOK HIM FOR A RIDE IN THE POLICE CAR!!!!! YUP, rewarded bad behavior! They were gone about an hour and a half. The PD also had the lead detective on the case come in and talk to him on his day off!! He came home knowing how to make the lights and sirens go in the police car, had watched Taser movies on the internet in the police car, had patches from local and non-local Police Departments, etc!!! I was happy to have the break, (I know that sounds horrible) and the police said that they treat kids with emotional problems differently, and since he was a crime victim, they do everything in the world to help them, even if it seems like negative reinforcement!! ALRIGHTY THEN!! I guess it is good that they are helping the kids, and do special things for them, and it is CERTAINLY better for the PD to know my kids in events like this instead of "oh my God they're in trouble again." They are aware of his disabilities and coupled with the abuse, they just are so caring and concerned. I am just hoping Jake, the master manipulater doesn't try to do this too often just to get attention, sorry to say that, but I wouldn't put it past him!

 

ok, off to start a new day. Jake is going back to school after 2 weeks out, only 3.5 days left! I head to work and hopefully all will be well in our world, for a while at least!

 

Thanks again everyone! Have a great day with God

[Ambergris]

The other side is that they are teaching him not to hide from the cops. Cops like to do this with hearing-impaired children too, because a missing child who wants a ride and a treat is easier to lay hands on than a missing child who fears a scolding--or fears being shot.

[Becca_Anne]

I'm SO glad he turned up safe!

[Suz]

Oh chefddr, my heart goes out to you.

 

I'm in PA too, if you want send me a PM and perhaps we can put our heads together for your boys.

 

 

[Virginia]

Can't imagine how difficult things must be so often. God bless you for being there for your sons. We will hope and pray that they improve with age, and for you to have strength for each day.

[ANewMe]

Sending many hugs and prayers your way! Here I was feeling sorry for myself because of what I'm going through with my 16 yr old and it's nothing compared to what you are dealing with...very humbling. Keep chuggin along...do you have any family, friends or Church group for support?

[chefddr]

Hi,

 

Where are you in PA?? I am just outside Harrisburg in Middletown stuck between Hershey and the Capital.

 

Thanks for your kind words, this group, together with my CAFE Mom's groups really make the worst days bearable!

 

Hugs!

[Suz]

i sent ya a pm chefddr

[Abigail]

chefddr, I believe every word of what you describe, as I've been there, done that, and have an entire closet full of that particular t-shirt.

 

I'll not derail your thread with too many specifics, but one of my DD's (now 20) is diagnosed bipolar and has some very serious medical issues to boot...two liver transplants, among other things.

 

This has made some meds off limits, and now that it's now legally her choice, she's decided she's NOT bipolar after all...

 

If there's a rock somewhere I didn't turn over looking for help for her and for the fallout on myself and my other 3 kids...well, I don't know where it could be.

 

One thing that I'd suggest...there's an organization called NAMI at http://www.nami.org/ that has an extensive educational program for caregivers that helped me put things into perspective.

 

The most valuable thing I learned was that these behaviors are "symptoms" if you will of the mental illness. This helps to separate the person from the illness.

 

For me, this helped a lot when the ugly feelings of guilt surface...you know, what I coulda/woulda/shoulda have done? KWIM?

 

Let me guess at something too...your extended family, the child's father, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, even total strangers have sought to BLAME YOU for these behaviors?? Yet never lift a finger to HELP or even give you RESPITE from any of this?

 

That was the hardest thing, for me, to take when dealing with mental illness in my child...the misplaced blame.

 

Another thing...don't ever feel bad about coming here to vent about all of this...that, along with prayer, is what's kept ME sane in facing this challenge. We're all here to listen and pray...pm me anytime about this, or anything else!

 

[Aint2nuts]

Wow, I don't know how I missed this thread when it was first posted, but boy can I relate. (This gets into many off topic tangents, sorry in advance, I was too lazy to rewrite it again)

 

My son was 18 months when he was found, alone. Between the time he was 18 months and the week before he turned two, he was moved 7 times. I was his last placement.

 

Before he was found he had been abused (set on a hot radiator) he has a huge scar on his backside that he got when he was 9 months old. They couldn't prove abuse at the time.

 

His birthmom uses crack, and anything else she can get her hands on. She smokes, drinks to excess, and if she hadn't been in jail the last month of her pregnancy, my Daughter Tya would have been born with crack in her system. Her mother used until she was 8 months pregnant.

 

My daughter Tya had epilepsy from the time she was born. She would shake, or go into their staring spells and then fall asleep. She had many Grand Mal seizures.

 

Fast forward to Ricky being 4 and Tya 2. We adopted them, parental rights had been terminated. Right before the adoption was finalized, my husband started drinking. I went ahead with the adoption knowing full well I might become a single parent.

 

My husband began abusing me. Waking me up in the middle of the night, blackout drunk, hitting me, pulling me by the hair, and then passing out in the bed, with me trembling and wide awake, with 6 kids in the house. Trying to be quite as I cried.

 

Well,I didn't hide the abuse very well. My daughter saw my husband point a gun at me. She heard my husband (her Daddy) say he would rather "kill you and the kids than let you leave." (I had tried unsuccessfully to get HIM to leave. With no proof of abuse (Like I said, I thought I hid it well) the police wouldn't remove him from the house. He wouldn't leave on his own, so I left. Secretly one weekend.

 

So I called the foster care agency that I had gotten my three foster children from (special needs kids) it broke my heart to have to put them back into the system. My 4 year old fosterson, was available for adoption and very hard to place. I was hoping to make him a part of our forever family. It wasn't to be. Anyway off topic.

 

Back to Ricky. So in 5 short years he had been exposed to drugs before he was born, after he was born, abandoned, moved 7 times, and then his adoptive family fell apart.

 

Not only that, but in that time I was diagnosed Bipolar. (Later the diagnosis was changed to schizoaffective and borderline personality disorder)

 

So his life up until we left my husband was tramatic to say the least. So were his sister's lives to a lesser degree.

 

We left my husband and didn't contact him for about 9 months. Then I found out that my husband hadn't been making the car payments. The car was repossessed. After the first two months of hiding, I moved us all down to Arizona, and we have been here, stable, ever since. I found out that not only was the car gone, but he had lost his employment because of his drinking on the job, and stayed in the house paying the bills by running up the credit cards.

 

My kids still have to deal with a mentally disabled Mom who is doing the best she can. Medications help a lot, but sleep apnea means I don't sleep well at night, and most days find me sleeping about 10-16 hours.

 

Ricky acts out. No, strike that. Ricky explodes. Puts holes in walls, throws furniture. He steals. (Ipods, cameras, radios, cell phones, PSP's, gameboys, nintendo ds's) He lies. He hoards food. He makes messes and won't clean up, especially after he has exploded. It is a concequence every time he explodes that once he calms down, HE has to undo what he has done. Clean up.

 

We have had him in counseling for years. He is going back in counseling soon because of the stealing that just cropped up again, the past two months.

 

I can't provide him with the stuff he steals so he steals it because he doesn't have access to that kind of thing. We are, quite frankly, low income. I live off my disability and make JUST ENOUGH to not qualify for food stamps. (By about 15 dollars LOL) We do (thanks God) qualify for medical insurance and free school meals. THAT is why the kids are going back to school next year. It blew my budget to homeschool them.

 

I feel like a failure a lot. I am mentally and physically disabled, and my children are bearing the brunt of it. If I wasn't so selfish and I didn't love them so much, I would put them in fostercare.

Honestly though, when I really think about it, they are better off with me. At least I love them with everything in me.

 

[Ambergris]