Lots going on

[Carie]

Hi ladies!

I haven't been on here for a while.....my computer died, had to be rebooted and all but I got so busy that I just haven't made time to get back on here. I have missed all of you

After 10 + years on 2nd shift, but dh finally got enough senority to be on dayshift at the prison he works at. Yeah! That really threw my schedule for a loop and is part of why I haven't been on here much. We have been enjoying him at home in the evenings

 

However, it seems our happiness about that was to be short lived. About 10 days ago my dh put a screen with some ginseng on it that he and the boys had been gathering so that it could dry in the back seat of his car....and locked the door. The next day when he went to work the ginseng was gone and there were scratch marks all over his car where the thief pried a back window down. We don't live in town. We live about 7 miles from a very small town in a rural farming area. We live down a long dead-end driveway on a road that doesn't really go anywhere. My youngest brother, however, lives at the end of our driveway near the road. He does drugs and we are fairly certain he has stolen money and gas from us before as well as mooching food and money and other stuff from us almost daily. We were given this land by my parents and owe money on the house so we didn't feel that we could just up and move. The last few years of dealing with him have been very frustrating for us (he technically lives on ground owned by my parents, they pay his bills and he works for them - they live just across a field from us). My dad hates by dh and always takes my brother's side in everything. So I called my parents and told them that this stuff was missing (about $3000 worth). My brother denied it so they said we should call the police. We did and I spent 2 days dealing with that. They took fingerprints from the inside of the car and matched them to a friend of my brother's who had never before been in the car.....he turned on my brother and admitted that they did it and who they sold the ginseng to. My brother was arrested. My parents had to pay $3000 in bail money to get him out. My father called me, livid and said mean hateful things to me and about my dh. I was terrified so my family and I spent the next 48 hrs. at a friend's house. I didn't ever want to go home......

 

To make the story a little shorter, we are home now. My father may buy us out so maybe we can move by the 1st of the year. Otherwise the house is going on the market. We have a house that a friend owns that we can rent. Then we will regroup and decide what to do after that. We have lived here for 12 years. Planned on spending our whole lives here (my brother didn't live here then - he was out of the picture - my parents moved him in down there about a year after we bought our house). So many emotions going through us but we are looking forward to starting over and getting the kids out of this terrible situation. They are taking it really well. So I am sitting here staring at stacks of empty boxes.....hoping to start packing soon the stuff we don't need. Last time I moved there were only 3 of us......now we are moving 6 people, one of them a little baby. I am trying to use up my stock of food and other stuff so that I don't have to move it. I am kinda wishing I hadn't canned so much food.....I wonder how well that will move. Decluttering lots because we will be moving to a smaller house. Trying to keep my spirits up and clinging to God through everything.

 

It is good to be back and I hope to check in whenever I have time.

 

Carie

 

[AMarthaByHeart]

I sometimes think it is the times we are living in. I will be praying for you and your family--for peace and safety. May you house sell fast, but I would not use up all of my food stock. With the times we are living in, it might come in handy. We will pray that it will move easily. God bless and protect you. May He give you descernmnet and wisdom in the days ahead.

[Cat]

Awww, Carie, I'm so sorry you've been going through all that. It's especially difficult when it's your own family. At least when it's your in-laws, you can kind of shrug it off as "them". But you are right in standing firmly by your husband. And I know what brothers like that can be. I keep a certain distance from mine, too.

 

How far away is this house you hope to move into? If it's only a few miles, the jars should be just fine. And if you move them in "increments"... packing well, moving, unpacking, going back for more... you won't need to invest in anything much. Use boxes with towels separating the jars.

 

And yeah, moving is a *pain*. But it has to be a better situation than where you are now.

 

Glad you're back, if even for a few minutes, and you'll be in my prayers.

 

 

 

 

 

[Annarchy]

[Ambergris]

Carie, don't regret canning. Go to stores and get the boxes that jars came in. Liquor stores have lots of these boxes, which have dividers inside to keep your jars safe from one another.

 

 

[Carie]

Thanks for the prayers. They mean so much to me right now.

I will see if we can get some liquor boxes. Thanks for the idea. This past winter, dh built me a beautiful pantry in the back of my master bedroom closet. I have loved having it and I can honestly say that is one of the main things I am sad about leaving. It and my herb bed......but I guess that both can be replaced.

We aren't moving far....across the county, about 30 mins. away. When it comes time to actually "move" we will have lots of friends helping us. I hope that I will be able to get started a week or so early and move the stuff that we aren't using. I am boxing starting today with pictures off the walls, dh's dragon collection. I have dejunked the book shelves and my desk. Lots of stuff going to the library and resale shop. Abby will be 6-8 months when we move or older so a lot of the stuff we have for her won't be going because she will either be done with it or really close (swing, cosleeper, jiggle seats, etc.). I am hoping in the next week or 2 to get into the house we will be renting and do a walk through so I know what kind of space I am dealing with. So far I have just walked around outside. We didn't see the rush in getting the key because if we have to put this house on the market, that house may not be available when we finally get this one sold......who knows how long that will take. Dh doesn't want to leave this house until it is sold. I guess I understand that. I hope my dad agrees to an amount we can live with. We just want payoff or really close and the house appraised for over $12000 more than that 7 years ago. Of course, my dad wants another appraisal. So we will see.

Sorry about another long post. It helps me to write it out

Blessings and have a great day!

Carie

 

[Virginia]

So sorry for your troubles. This sounds like a very good move. Someday maybe your parents will wake up, but you have to take care of yourself, DH and the children right now.

 

Praying for God's grace over you.

[themartianchick]

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It isn't fair for parents to heap all of this on you, as though you are to blame and it is a shame that your parents have pushed you this far. They are likely in denial and want to believe that your brother's behavior is improving. It is a shame but in many cases, the child that does wrong is the one that monopolizes the attention. The best thing that you can do is move on and enjoy the peace wherever you settle.

 

I can't help but believe that things happen for a reason. My guess is that your new home will bring you and your hubby joy and happiness that you don't have where you are right now. (I'm thinking that it couldn't have been easy for your hubby living close to in laws that didn't care for him!)Since you have several months to get ready for the move, things will probably go smoothly and easily. The idea about liquor store boxes is a good one. You can also make your own cardboard separators.As for the awesome pantry... Maybe your hubby can build you another one. Having a handy hubby is such a blessing!

[Snowmom]

 

for you and your family.

 

Sometimes it is nice to live close to your family, and other times it can be hard. We did, Oldpine's parents lived just north of our home, they are both gone now, and our DD is buying that 5 acres. It was hard a lot of the times for me, when Oldpine's parents were alive, just things that happened.

 

Please don't get rid of all of your canning, it can be moved just by boxing it up. Yes, the boxes that have the dividers are great, but, towels will work fine to pack around the jars too. If it is just a few miles, you won't have to do so much as if it were 50 or 100 miles. Just enough to keep the jars from banging together.

 

Good luck and keep canning.

 

 

 

[Deerslayer]

So sorry!!! family can be tough!! I will add you to my prayer list--

[ANewMe]

Hang in there....I can relate. I will keep you in my prayers!

[Carie]

Thanks everyone! I am feeling anxious today and trying to deal with things calmly and with joy. I hate to have to think about dealing with a big job.....and moving is a big job....so I am sitting here worrying about it. I made a list of things that I could do right now...stuff that can be packed now and stored, cleaning that can be done now, etc. and that has helped. My poor dh has suffered much over the years in the hopes of keeping me and the kids close to my parents. He hasn't deserved the way they have treated him and I hope and pray that this move will enable him to be the man God wants him to be. I spoke to my grandmother today for the first time since this happened. My grandfather has taken my brother's side (I hate that there are sides in this). I imagine that she is going to be adament that we not move but that has been decided. I am praying about how to deal with her. Kindly and firmly but with love. Bleh. I just hate this whole mess.

Blessings,

Carie

 

[out_of_the_ordinary]

Hang in there, Carie! Once I finally got away from my family and the major drama, I was able to see the 'stuff' I hadn't been able to see. Like the constant low-level stress when there wasn't the major problems. Sounds like you and your husband having been dealing with alot of that,too. Family situations are always tough. I pray all goes well with your move.

[Miss Teensy]

My heart goes out to you.

 

I know from personal experience that family can be the greatest blessing bestowed upon a person and the worst burden to bear. I hate to see when family mistreats other family members. It just breaks my heart. No one deserves that treatment.

 

I had to part ways from quite a few family members. I loved them as I did myself (not that I hate them now because I don't). There were times when I did more for them than I did for myself and my daughter. I was raised to stick with family through thick and thin. Thing is the family that preached this didn't practice it. They were (probably still are) manipulative and pure greedy. They enjoyed having me as their doormat. I almost lost my daughter because I put them first. It was then that I realized that losing her was more important than losing them. Needless to say they were belligerent when I informed them that I would have no further contact with them - but only because they no longer had me to walk all over. It hurt that I had to part ways with them, but where there's no respect, there's no love. You're doing the right thing. As out_of_the_ordinary mentioned, my stress level is down and i've come to see that life is much better now that they are out of it. I've been able to enjoy life much more. My life shouldn't be better without family. Family is supposed to enhance your life not degrade it. When you have reunions, holiday gatherings, it's the family that makes it joyous. But if family life is not that way, then self-preservation is first and foremost.

 

Please heed this last piece of advice: Be careful. When you part ways with troublesome family members, they become afraid because they don't know if your doing so will encourage other family members to do the same. These so called family members hate what they fear and will do anything in their power to discourage the other family members from doing the same. Keep a safe distance and have limited contact with those who are loyal to your brother. They will use any information they get from you to help them - which may hurt you. I'm going through it now, so what I do is send the usual holiday card/letters - keeping them brief and not revealing much of the goings on in my life. I don't mean to frighten you. I really don't! I just want to prepare you for the absolute worst, at least from my experience. I hope things won't take a turn for the worse, but get better as your parents realize they're hurting you and your brother by protecting him instead of seeking help for him.

 

If you ever need to talk more, I'm here. You're in my thoughts.

[Carie]

Thanks Miss Teensy. My dad has a long arm, and hates my dh, so we are expecting retaliation of some kind. They are already dirtying our names in the little town closest to us. Luckily this isn't the 1st time my brother has been in trouble so a lot of people are thinking twice about believing everything they are hearing. At this point I dont' intent to tell them where we are moving, although I have a lot of family in this county (most aren't loyal to my brother) so I am sure the word will get out fairly quickly. I am reading a book about intervention and I am hoping that my mom will read it when I am done.

I actually packed some boxes today. They were just toys, but it seemed a relief to actually start packing instead of staring at empty boxes.

I am so sorry that you have had to stop complete contact with your family. How old was your daughter when you had to do this? My older boys are taking this a little harder that right now I am not wanting them spending time with their grandparents. I don't want the kids to resent me, but I also don't want them trying to brainwash the kids. I am hoping to be able to allow them limited and supervised access after we move, but I just don't know. How do you make holidays and special occassions special when it is just your little family group? I am looking for ideas so my kids don't feel like this year the holidays are a dud.

Blessings,

Carie

 

[Cat]

Oh, we can *DO* holidays... how old are those kids? We've got a lot of ideas to help in that department. You will find a way to create new memories that will be joyous and uplifting. When I have some time, I'll try to pull up some of the good ones.

 

And yeah, I'd eliminate "alone" time with angry relatives.

 

 

 

[Miss Teensy]

Good for you for packing some boxes! It all starts with that one box. Once you finish the first one, it becomes easier as you pack the next one and so on.

 

One of my troublesome relatives has a very long arm too. Law enforcement. Which means there's access to my credit card, phone and other records. Very unsettling, but I still live my life.

 

What works to your advantage is that a lot of people are not readily buying your dad's smear campaign and not everyone in your family is loyal to your brother. The more people learn about your brother, the more they'll question your dad's character. The more they question his character, I do believe they won't be inclined to be around him much. That's just my guess.

 

My daughter was 20 when I had to part ways with half the family. She was battling cancer at the time and I saw the toll it was taking on her. She's in remission now and lives with her dad, though she does visit often. Her Dad and I both agreed that it was best for her to live with him so she can have peace of mind and remain away from all this craziness. He was in the military, so they don't dare try anything with him. When she does visit, we love to play board games (sans monopoly), connect 4, trouble, bingo. Mostly we take walks by the lake or go to the park with my two furbabies (whom she regards as her younger sisters) in their pet strollers. Yes, I'm one of those cat ladies with pet strollers LOL. As for holidays, we go all out. There's a lot of food, movies, games. You name it we do it. We enjoy our time together and we have a blast.

 

It just perturbs me how this is effecting your sons. Do your parents realize what they're doing to them or do they care? If you haven't already, now would be the time to sit down with the boys and explain the situation in detail. In my experience, kids respect you when you're honest with them. They will be upset about not seeing their grandparents, but they have to learn that it's not in their best interest to be around people who don't respect their parents. Family included. Until your parents cease all this madness and begin behaving in a civil manner respecting both you AND your husband, then I don't think it's a good idea for any kind of visits with the grandkids - supervised or not.

 

Now, to make holidays extra special, I would focus on doing things they like to do. With the exception of activities that could break a couple of bones like skateboarding. Unless, you don't mind doing that. Just make sure yall do things both you and your husband enjoy as well. As Cat wrote, the idea is to create great new memories for everyone. Not just the kids.

 

Momo posted this link about Halloween Decorating and Party Ideas from Country Living:

http://www.countryliving.com/cooking/enter...ing-party-ideas.

 

It's for Halloween (which is around the corner) but Country Living may create a page like that for Thanksgiving and Christmas. If I find anymore links, I'll be sure to post them. How old are your boys? I want to make sure that whatever festive ideas I find is appropriate for their age.

[Carie]

Thanks guys! I am appreciating the ideas and encouragment. You don't know how much.

 

My dad called and told Greg (10 - ds #2) that he loved him but didn't apologize forhis behaviour or words and has no con tact with the other kids. My kids are Lee (13), Greg (10), Norman Matthew - we call him Bear (almost 3) and Abigail (5 months). The younger 2 just don't understand at all and will have no memories of the way things used to be, but the older 2 will. We have sat them down and explained everything in detail and how this makes their dad and I feel. So they are on the same page and actually a little excited about the move.

 

Thanks!

Carie

 

[Cat]

If your Dad is choosing one brother over another, and making it obvious, that will create a toxic situation in *your* family. It's like setting a time bomb into your family life.

 

Be very careful if he ignores the older boy, and favors the 10 yo. For me, that would be cut-off time. My mom played favorites. NOT good.

 

 

[Carie]

Yeah, I know. My oldest is almost exactly like my dh and I think that is why my dad doesn't like him. Greg however is a little more quiet and reserved....more like my dad and they have spent a lot of time together as my dad has taught him how to make bows and how to hunt and work on stuff. He hasn't obviously excluded Lee but Lee just doesn't like that stuff as much and so they don't spend as much time together.....and my dad doesn't try. He spends time with the babies some too. This one person call though has really bothered me.

Blessings,,

Carie

 

 

[Becca_Anne]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this I hope that you are able to make the move without too much drama. Hopefully the house situation will be resolved quickly and you can move forward with your life. It is much better to be without toxic relationships, even if it feels like a big loss at the time.

 

As for the holidays, I find establishing your own new traditions to be the best. We make a gingerbread house every year and i'ts one of our most treasured memories. Also we do a puzzle as a family every winter vacation.

[ANewMe]

I just wanted to let you know that I am still praying for you.

 

This past year we had a blow out involving our 18 yr old. In order to get his way he bad mouthed us and lied on us and my Dad and Brother believed every word. All the lies revolved around money. They never gave me the benefit of the doubt. I now basically only have my Mom and Stepdad....who is my Pop. (He is like a dad to me).

 

Daddy was very involved with my kids but they have only seen him twice since Nov. My brother is coming around a little now that the lies surfaced and son has come home, but too proud to accept he was wrong. It's easier to blame me than to ever think that I have half a brain in my head....it's always been that way and always will be. My son left and I lost my Dad, Brother and his family all at the same time. There were no holidays at all....we just did the best we could for the younger ones.

 

I called Daddy a month ago. My brother in law (on husbands side) had died unexpectedly and it rocked us to the core. I told him what had happened with BIL and that I knew that he thought badly of me based on a bunch of lies and if that was what he wanted to believe I could accept that he would not change his mind. He agreed. I knew that he would go to his grave without speaking to me and I could not accept that happening without him knowing that I loved him. He very gruffly mumbled I love you and hung up on me. Since then I tried to call to tell him Happy Birthday and invite him to the kids Grandparents Day. He wouldn't answer the phone and told everyone that I wrote him off and never tried to even contact him for his BD. It was the first Grandparents Day he has ever missed and I didn't hear from him on my birthday.

 

It's not easy but it is what it is. Our son is home and our family is mending. I have learned that I can not apologize or fix something that I have no control over. I've done the best that I can do. The one thing I can say is Daddy always taught me to accept responsibility for my wrongs....too bad he doesn't do that as well. Cling to your husband and children and PRAY.

 

If you do nothing else....PRAY....I lost faith and I couldn't pray at times and I wished that I could have. If you do nothing else do that.

 

Much love from here...hang in there.

[AMarthaByHeart]

Carie--I was just checking to see if things are any better. Still praying for you and hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving.

[Carie]

Thanks for checking on us! It means a lot that you remembered us and our troubles.

 

My dad decided he didn't want to give us what we need in payoff for the house...he wouldn't even make an offer. Dh has kind of frozen...but I think I have him convinced to call the appraiser. He doesn't want to hurt us worse or anything. And this is the longest he has ever lived in one place for his whole life...poor guy. So pray for his heart. He is hurting right now, even if he doesn't show it.

 

My mom came down a few weeks ago when she knew we would all be home and sat us down, kids and all, and explained how this was all our fault....called dh lazy (because he puts in his 8-16 hrs. a day at work and drives 60 mins. one way home and then doesn't do anything else - which isn't true, he helps with the kids etc.). Denied brother's drug use, etc. After she left (I was so shocked about her trying to manipulate the situation that I didn't say anything) ds #1 says " well isn't that interesting how she turned that around to be our fault". He was astounded and we were so glad that the kids were able to see how we are being treated. God used that terrible conversation to open their eyes. Dh says that if the house isn't sold we will move in the spring anyway....we may have to file bankruptcy on the place and start over financially as well. That's ok. God is with us.

 

I have packed almost all the non-essential seasonal stuff. A friend loaned us the use of storage space in her basement. We have great friends. Just waiting to see what God has in store for us. We will be spending Thanksgiving with dh's family down south. Looking forward to that.

 

Blessings,

Carie

[AMarthaByHeart]

Carie--hang in there. I do know that what goes around, comes around and no weapon formed against you will prosper. There is a reason and a purpose that God has allowed this. I do know that being betrayed by your parents like this hurts, but it seems to be drawing your family closer together. I don't understand Grandma trying to make mom and dad look bad in their kids eyes though. Your oldest seems to have wisdom beyond his years. Try to rest, walk in peace, and not become bitter. That can eat you alive. I always told my kids to 'be so kind and nice to them it will make them wonder or 'kill them with kindness' as the old saying goes. Living right there close is not easy. Bankrupcy is not easy, but sometimes a fresh start is what you need.

 

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the in-laws. Just remember God is in control.

Proverbs 3:5-6