Unbelieveable.

[Crazy4Canning]

So things were beginning to calm down. My parents were settling in and getting a schedule down and getting used to their new place. There were some hiccups around finances, but I expected there to be.

 

Seems family strife is still in the works. My father has been indicted for some sort of theft, accused by his younger brother. This has been brewing for years, and just when the statute of limitation was running out, (they each had respective lawyers and had been told to stay away from each other) his brother dragged up more charges.

 

My dad has to go 'turn himself in' Tuesday,back in his old state, in a county courthouse, by 7 am to get before a judge that same day. This is almost an hour away from where we now live.

 

Guess who will be going with him so his car won't get towed, also just so I can be informed, because there is no one else?

 

Me.

 

I've been doing so well on my dissertation. I have presentation deadline for next Tuesday and am under the gun. I fear if I don't go at least drop him off, I will be left hanging and no one will be there to take care of my mom. I CAN NOT take time off from my writing to babysit my dad.

 

I've been so shaken up today, I've been worthless. I can't even bake a box cake. I've had to double-check the laundry, making sure I put soap in.

 

From what I understand my dad's view to be, "Hey, it's no big deal. I'll just tell them I can't stay, I have to take care of my wife. I'll be out in a few hours."

 

Ummm. In what world???

 

Oh. Dear. Lord. Will the drama never end?

 

And, yes. In the back of my head, with my dad's possible dementia, I honestly wonder if this will go anywhere...or he will do time.

 

Unbelievable.

[windmorn]

[dogmom4]

[Cat]

**Joining the others in prayer for you**

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[sassenach]

C4C, your dad has been officially diagnosed with dementia? They may not make him do time then. If he has serious illness like that, most don't keep them in jail, its too risky. Also if your mom is that ill, and he's been caring for her and hmmm, staying out of trouble for some years now...... maybe the judge will just give him a fine and send him home.

he can arrange paymts.

[Crazy4Canning]

No official diagnosis yet, just pissing off the world. He just got his new insurance card this week. I'm planning to find him a doctor this month.

 

Oh, and the 'accused embezzeled amount' is about $45K. Payments? On a fixed income?

 

I don't know.

 

 

C4C, your dad has been officially diagnosed with dementia? They may not make him do time then. If he has serious illness like that, most don't keep them in jail, its too risky. Also if your mom is that ill, and he's been caring for her and hmmm, staying out of trouble for some years now...... maybe the judge will just give him a fine and send him home.

he can arrange paymts.

[sassenach]

ouch! yea, probably won't fly then. Does he think jail is a vacation joint or something?

[Crazy4Canning]

Arby, No. He knows it's not fun time at the zoo. He believes prison is for hardened criminals, not someone who was helping his mother and whose mother gave him money. (He has some paperwork, he says, to prove it.) In his mind, he still thinks the world should be 1955. A man should be taken by his word. He lives his life accordingly. If he says he didn't do something, he didn't. It's how he was raised. He's apalled that his *younger* brother, moreover a person who dodged the draft, is calling is integrity into question.

 

Knowing what I know about my dad, after cleaning his house before and after the move, I honestly don't know if he took the money or it was given. Seeing how he thinks, I have no idea . All I can hope for is to chat with the lawyer. I can pray for one that actually knows what they're doing and one who cares enough about doing their job to do it right.

 

I know it's purely selfish on my part, but I just can't take care of my mom right now. True, I can do it easier up here in town, than where they were, about 40 minutes away, but *still*. I'm so close to finishing my degree that's not only the highest degree one can get, it's also taken me the better part of 8 years, longer than my marriage. I've taken monies set aside toward tuition, set aside toward our own bills to help him pay lawyer fees, his own bills, even to our own detriment. I can't give hours of time to her and finish my degree on time. The reason my degree has taken so long is because for the past four years, every time there was a crisis, I helped out - with money, time, effort...

 

I can't give him money or help him at the detriment to my own life any more.

 

I didn't even get items for them at Costco this week. I just didn't have the money. It was all I could do to make cheese and crackers for dinner tonight.

 

 

 

ouch! yea, probably won't fly then. Does he think jail is a vacation joint or something?

[Christy]

It's a nightmare! It's just a blooming nightmare.

Have no solution for you, just warm arms around you and a shoulder to lean on.

Mercy be, when does it stop already?

[CrabGrassAcres]

Maybe the court will order a psych evaluation?

[Annarchy]

 

[themartianchick]

I am so sorry to hear of this recent upheaval. I do think that CGA may be on to something. A psych evaluation would slow things down and cause this to drag out. This would likely allow you the opportunity to finish your PhD. I'll be praying for you...

[AMarthaByHeart]

No answers but letting you know I am praying for you and your parents and a change of heart for your uncle.

 

 

 

 

:pray:

[Crazy4Canning]

I just chatted with a friend who is an attorney. He said things can go 2 ways, but YES, he should turn himself in, for it proves he has nothing to hide.

 

So. After turning himself in, he will get on the docket that day to see a judge via video feed. Things can go 2 ways: 1. Because he is over 65, a primary caregiver, and not a flight risk, and doesn't have a record, he may be released that day or into the wee hours of the next morning. 2. Someone may request a "study for release" performed by some group that could keep him there a few days or weeks. This will result in a possible hearing and could draw out.

 

No way of knowing how this can go.

 

I was told that it is pointless for me to stay out there the entire day, for I could be there for 18 hours or more. They view anything over 4 hrs as "loitering" by any non-court appointed personnel unless you are there for a specific court case. Go figure.

 

So. On Tuesday, I have to get up before dawn, drive my dad over an hour away, and leave him. When/ if he gets released, he will call. Perhaps his lawyer will. He assures me he will be fine and perhaps this is God's way of using him to reach someone in the prison system. He's looking upon it as an adventure, because he still adamantly states he was given money and has done nothing wrong. He says that his brother is seeking ways to hurt him and that God will protect him.

 

Oh, and a psych eval while *IN* the system will keep him in longer. I need him OUT, so he can take care of my mom. However, a physician's referral 'outside' could help or hurt at this point. Hard to say.

 

I actually was so wound up last night, I had to have a 2 glasses of wine. When they wore off at 3 am, I was WIDE awake for a good hour...I did doze after that, but I feel like today.

[Cowgirl]

Just tossing out some ideas, for what they are worth:

 

1) BUS TICKET for dad.

 

2) He will almost certainly have to either post a substantial bond (bail) or go to jail, so he needs to be ready for a likely one-way trip.

 

3) He needs to request the appointment of a public defender.

 

4) Once he has counsel appointed, write to the attorney about your concerns that your Dad is "unfit" due to probable dementia. Send whatever documentation you have, if any. The attorney might have your dad examined by a doctor to determine if he is mentally fit to stand trial. Depending on how bad your dad is, that might also be usable as a defense.

 

5) Work on your dissertation.

 

6) Your Dad did it (or didn't do it maybe) - you didn't do it and are not responsible to give up your life and dreams because he has gotten himself into this mess. If he did the crime, he needs to be prepared to do the time (or take whatever other punishment is dealt out to him).

 

7) Even with substantial theft, IF this is his first and only crime, it is quite possible that at the end of the day he will be placed on probation. And he will be ordered to make payments toward the restitution - possibly for years. However, if he does NOT make the payments, he may still end up going to prison. And since it doesn't sound like he has been making any payments thus far, I would not rule out prison entirely.

 

At any rate, focus on YOU. You didn't do this - he did. Don't let his mistake destroy your chances at a good life.

[Crazy4Canning]

Alright. Now you made me tear up.

 

I can't give him a bus ticket. Where the jail is, he would have to hike a considerable distance. I can drive him and still salvage the day.

 

A public defender will be appointed to him that afternoon. I have every intention of contacting him/her as soon as humanly possible to explain the situation.

 

My concern now is whether or not my mother will still be able to collect his SS & VA checks while/if he does time.

 

You are absolutely correct - this is NOT my problem. The reason my dissertation has taken me so long is because I was pulled into his drama. I WILL finish my work, for it's the one sanity I have in my life now.

 

It makes me furious that he will have to play the system and plea bargain. It just goes against who he is.

 

Since I posted earlier, I found his warrant info, bail amount, and appalling charges. It's incomprehensible to me where these came from. Whether right or wrong, he's being prosecuted because someone *can* and they are as vindictive as the day is long.

[Jeepers]

I noticed you haven't been on for a little awhile and I was thinking things had settled down with your parents since you got them moved (and out of that mess) and that you were busy working on your degree. I was hoping you finally had some down time to concentrate on your own life.

 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I wish I had some sage words but all I have are plenty of hugs and prayers. Hang in there and vent here all you need to....

 

 

[sassenach]

I was wondering about the ss and va checks too if he does prison time. I am so sorry C4C, this really sucks. The phone calls for info and the lawyer as soon as he is named are important, getting him to the courthouse is too. They will transport him to jail though, he won't be walking, I would think. If it is determined he will serve time at this point.

I realize you may have to go back and get him if he is released, but do that after you take your tests or turn in/write your important papers and projects. He can just wait for you. Period. You have to make sure you are responsible for yourself in this, because it will be ever so important and is worth it to complete it for yourself. I can see how it will be needed in your family, very much as you seem to be the sole support at this point.

Do your schoolwork, hon, you are almost there and don't give it up over something like this.

You will also need the added degree and experience of this , and all the points you acquire with every action you have taken for it over the last 8 yrs. You will need it for sure now. So , do work on your own important work.

[Christy]

Torn between a deadline that may decide a part of your future and a parent with a touch of dementia. C4C, harsh as it may sound, if your father has to wait perhaps for you to pick him up, it's way less bad than being in prison.

Deary deary, what a hectic crazy time you are having.

[Annarchy]

Your mother should have no problem with the SS & VA checks. They should still be delivered to her as usual. If they are not direct deposited and are delivered as checks in the mail, she can write on the back:

 

For Deposit Only

Acct. #____________

 

then, deposit them in their account and pay her bills.

 

(((((C4C)))))

 

[Crazy4Canning]

One of the things we focused on at the end of last year was the direct depositing of BOTH checks into the SAME account, of which my name is on, conveniently for occasions when either one of them can't get to the bank.

 

I am still worried that if for some reason the VA ans SS checks stop coming, I would be unable to hep them financially and my mother would be living out of a cardboard box...it's dramatic and extreme, I know, but it's where my mind is.

[Becca_Anne]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You absolutely have to put your dissertation first right now. I hope it is all resolved soon so you can put it behind you no matter what the outcome.

[Mt_Rider]

Whooooeeeee, C4C. What a tangle. It is SO unfair that your dad can be brought in on these things when he may, in fact, be innocent. Who can know what arrangements were made? But...your dependent mother is the tangle that wraps around your neck too. Is there any day program she can attend [i've forgotten what her issues are...] so as to be safe daily while you [and/or your father] are elsewhere? Can Medicare/Medicaid pay for such day program services or whatever?

 

If we keep throwing out ideas, one or two might apply to your situation.

 

If we keep praying that God will guide you to exactly the path needed....that works even better.

 

You are accurate. Families are sometimes so absolutely UNBELIEVABLE!!

 

MtRider ((((C4C))))

[Jeepers]

Anyone heard from C4C lately? Hopefully everything has settled down with her parents and she is hard at work on her disseration.

[Crazy4Canning]

Thanks for the love. Actually, the dissertation is in process, but slow.

 

My Dad was released the same day as he turned himself in, on his own honor. We were in court this past Monday, only to get things moved 2 weeks out because the attorney had NOTHING, no paperwork, zero.

 

My mother has asked for me to meet with the attorney to really see what is going on. Dad dumped a bag of papers on my desk, "Here. It's all the legal papers I have at the moment. You may as well look at them."

 

So, today I did. I've been fighting a sore throat and was kinda feverish, so no writing or research was happening. I could sort and punch holes...and file things.

 

In the process of going through his files, I read them. He is clearly accused of stealing over $40,000. As I read the paperwork, the same scattered disorganization and chaos is present in these papers that I have been fighting for months.

 

In the piles of paperwork, he does admit to receiving money from his mom, although clearly in his mind "it was a gift because he had a signed paper". It does appear that he took liberties...moreover, as an executor trustee, he should NEVER have accepted a penny...whether it is a gift or not. I firmly believe he believes he is right and that because he is a 'godly' man, justice will be on his side and he will win. I seriously thinks he believes Jesus will make a miracle for him and vindicate him. I sincerely do not believe he thinks he could or might go to prison for this.

 

In late January, I retained an elder care attorney here in town and started the process of guardianship for my parents. I underwent training and realize with startling clarity that there is absolutely no room for error on my part. So, I am meeting this week with the interim court appointed guardian and let things progress. As I've been paying my parents' bills, I've been having to undo messes Dad has done. He got signed up for the most expensive wireless internet, so I've been researching options. Also, I found out he has an SR-22 on his record, for failing to provide insurance a couple of years ago. This is "no big deal" according to him. It startles me that he can't find papers from 2 or 3 years ago, perhaps because they never were opened and possibly shredded immediately upon arrival.

 

Some days for my dad are fine, other days are not. It's my hope that a court mandated physical and psychological evaluation will prove early dementia and (I hate to say it) but signs of religious disillisionment, to the likes that he is nuttier than a fruitcake and no harm to himself or others, but that he is irresponsible with money.

 

I can't describe what it's like driving 40 minutes with my dad, seeing a strange judge, and leaving your fate in the hands of complete strangers....very unsettling.

 

 

Anyone heard from C4C lately? Hopefully everything has settled down with her parents and she is hard at work on her disseration.