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NetteTX

I'm so hurt, my heart is so beyond torn

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This is my first post since the board was changed over and I was a new poster back then. I really thought I had posted. I read and learn so much on here. I felt like I was a part of something, then I look at my profile and nothing. I don't really even exist here. I talked about the board and the people on it, like they were my friends and I was learning so much from them. I did learn. I realized I haven't interacted with anybody in years. This just became really apparent. I'm really stunned, I feel like I know some you on here. I feel so stupid.

 

Should I even post? My heart hurts so bad. I can't be too upset in front of anyone. There is just the three of us left.

 

My son Noel was killed October 16th, he is 22. It is under police investigation. He would have graduated from college this December. I talked to him that day and almost everyday for the two weeks before that. He was already interviewing for jobs for after graduation. He stayed the summers with us when he would intern.

 

My daughter is 21 and 15 months younger than him is hiding all her emotions now. Because she is pregnant and the day after we found out, we had to take her to the hospital.

 

Kev, is just worried about everything, especially me. I have to have surgery on the 20th and I don't even care. He is so used to me handleing everything.

 

We always joke if anything ever happened he would be lucky if he grabbed the dogs before he ran out of the house. He finally was coming around to preparing for the future. Now I don't even care about today.

 

I have a beautiful grand baby, she will be 4 in December. She is just like her dadddy. I am so glad I have a good relationship with her mom and can see her. We had her last weekend, it was needed, loved, but so hard.

 

I don't understand, my boy was good. He had a beautiful soul. He did good things for people. Even the officer told me that people from his age to 70's had nothing but kind words to say about my son. So even away from home he followed what I taught him. But, for what?

 

Now I have no son, my daughter has no brother and my beautiful grand baby has no daddy.

 

I've had a lot of death in my life. Nothing like this. I don't know how to react. I'm so lost. My mom in was the last person I lost and I thought nothing was worse. I was wrong. But, I could cry and throw a fit and be upset even knowing ahead of time what was to be.

 

I feel crazy. I clench my jaw a lot. I feel I can't breath. Tears roll down my cheeks. When no one is around these gasping sobs escape from me in short bursts. I'm afraid of them. There is a pain like I've never experienced before in me and it wants to make noise. There is always my daughter or Kev around me so I stay quiet and composed. They won't leave me by myself any length of time. When I'm not like that I just feel cold and dead with a hard knot in my stomach, still clenching my jaw. Back and forth.

 

 

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I am sorry for you loss. I can not imagine what you are going through but I will pray for you and your family.

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Oh, my dear NetteTX...

 

I wish I could reach through this stupid machine and just hug you, and let you cry, and just hold you while you do. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. But I know a mother's heart, and a mother's pain, and a mother's love... :(

 

Is there someone close to you in miles there who you could talk to? A clergyman/woman? A counselor? A grief group that meets regularly, like AA, but for this? You really need to be able to be with people who can hold your hand through this who have experienced it themselves and can say the things you know to be honest and heartfelt and true.

 

There is something very basic that might help you kind of remotely...

 

I've let you into the private, for-women-only forum, and I invite you to write there, in private, everything that your heart feels and longs for. Rant and rave and cry and get mad at the injustice of it all... and we will listen and hold your hand and cry with you.

 

If even that is too much, we now have a blog area that you can write *completely* privately, or just let a very few people in to see.

 

Or write it out on paper in your own home... start a journal... but if it might hurt someone near to you, keep it tightly controlled away from others.

 

Writing is a proven theraputic tool, and it will allow you to wash the pain onto the blank page. Getting it *out* of you is very important, where it will not destroy your inner heart and soul. Pain like this can translate into all manner of physical problems, from headaches to major illnesses.

 

You're not crazy, you're hurting. And your family loves you - the heart of their home and their lives, and they are concerned because they need you so much to be with them. Your granddaughter needs you, and the baby to come needs you. And of course your daughter needs Mom in this time.

 

And I'm afraid you will probably never truly understand, this side of Heaven. This is a stupid, senseless act, no matter what "reason" is given, and whether or not they catch the one/ones responsible, it will forever be a horrible, painful mystery. How can people do this to another? It was, and always has been, an evil, despicable act.

 

 

 

As far as this board goes, we had some problems with the program running it, and it messed things up. It shows no posts, but you've been registered since August 11, 2006. Maybe you had communicated through private messages (PMs), and all of those were destroyed in the last move to a new program.

 

But none of that is a reflection on you, or your value to us, or how important you are. You are a sister to us all, and we love you and care about what's going on in your life.

 

Welcome home, NetteTX... bighugsad.gif

 

 

 

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I agree with Cat, and Nette, while you and I were not acquainted, I truly sympathize and know that you need grief counseling with someone who can help you. Don't be shy about getting it, it is taking care of yourself, even if you don't feel like doing it. Thats also classic. I am soo sorry you lost your wonderful son. I don't know exactly how I would react if I lost my son either. I would be very very troubled I am sure. There is no reason that we can understand, this side of Heaven, as Cat explained.

But I know one thing, your son would want you to go do that surgery. I am sure it is to help your health, and he would want you to do whatever you can in your life, just as you did before, loving your family members, your granddaughter and the child to come, raising them up like you did for him. He would want you to be able to feel your family's love and concern for you and to give it all time. Grief is complicated and will show itself differently for each of you, but he wants you to go on, and to be present emotionally in your life and also to know the tiny joys as well as the pain.

Please find someone you can talk to, and talk to us, we are here now, the site is fixed correctly now.... it must have been those glitches. So, please do post, and the journal is a wonderful idea, with the discretion that it is only available to you. It might even be a good idea for your other child(ren) ( sorry, just getting my coffee and cant recall exactly who are your other children).... journaling can be very helpful because you can write any darn thing you want, any emotion, all your anger, instead of acting it out, and this is a really great thing for kids, too.

I know this has torn you apart, your son sounds as if he would make anyone proud to have been his parent. In time you will be able to remember and celebrate his life all the good things that he was, right now it just hurts and badly. You still have all your other family members and they need you too. If you don't go through the surgery , it may amount to self sabotage and self abuse in a sense and I hope you will do the healthiest thing, and I also know you may want to talk to the doctor and if it can be reassigned a later surgery date, for now, maybe that is something to consider because the frame of mind you are in is not healthy and it affects your physical health because of the stress you are under because of your son's passing. But if its really necessary for your health , then please know we do care and are VERY GLAD you spoke up . I wish I could reach through the connections here and give you a long, big warm hug too and let you cry as I did so.

We are here for you. Go to the Psssst..... forum and write more, let it all out. What you are going through as a reaction to his death is normal, grief has many faces and phases and this is part of it. So if you do want to talk with us, we are here to listen and support you.

My prayers are with you and your family. :pray:

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Nette, my heart goes out to you too.

 

My friend and I pray every morning together, and we will put you on our prayer list. May God find a way to comfort you, and hold you up, and give you some peace.

 

Sending you heartfelt love.

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(((((NetteTx))))) My heart and prayers are with you. I am so very sorry over your deep loss! Please find someone you can trust and feel comfortable with, so you can talk out your feelings, anger, etc. Know that you can always vent here with us. We will listen.

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I, too, am so very sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you. I can't imagine what you are going through but I, too, am a mom. There can't be anything worse than losing a child. I am truly sorry and pray that you will find friends and a caring group to heal with. The brothers and sisters here are wonderful, true, and will be here for you, for whatever you need. Just ask. God Bless you and your family.

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By sharing your grief here with us, I hope it has somehow lessened yours a bit. My heart is grieving with you now and the mother in me can only try to grasp what you are facing.

 

Yes, you should write, anytime that you care too and as Cat has mentioned, there are several outlets for writing out your feelings. We're glad, very glad, that you feel like you know us and we want to know you better too.

 

Grief is a process and a cycle. You are not going crazy, you are simply cycling. I agree with the others, try to find grief therapy/counseling if possible. There are many organizations that provide this ministry.

 

I'm so sorry, so very sorry for loss of your son. I'm praying for you. :pray:

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Losing a child is like having the roots pulled out of the world. Everything is painfully torn up, left upside down and senseless, and so very wrong.

 

There's a poem somewhere, or maybe an Ann Landers clipping. All I remember of it is the ending "If you could have the son of your dreams, strong and good and kind--but if you could have him for only 22 years--would you still want him? Would the 22 years he gave you add more to your life than losing him takes away?"

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Nette,

I am so very sorry. I can only imagine the pain you must feel. I lost 2 babies to miscarriage and I know how I grieved. I cannot imagine having held them or watching them grow as you did with your son. That pain must be much harder.

Please, get yourself to the doctor and get some antidepressants or something for a while. Not to take long term. I forget what it was my doctor prescribed, but it was just for a short term. It really did help.

May you find some comfort and peace in the days ahead. Grieving is so hard, but it is all part of the healing process. Do not be ashamed of the tears, they are for your healing.

Wish there was something I could do, but the one thing I can do is pray and listen to you on here.

You are wise in reaching out on here. I am proud of you for sharing your story in the midst of your pain.

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My heart is greaving with you dear one. I have lifted you and your family in prayer. May God Himself bring you comfort.

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Nette,

I would so dearly love to be able to write some profound words to lessen your greif if only for a second so that you could catch your next breath, but I have no words that could ever touch the depths of your pain. I am a Mother, you are facing every Mom's nightmare...you are living it. Although I have not had the pleasure of meeting you, I so wish that I could hold your hand and pray with you or give you a shoulder to cry on.

 

I have found that here at Ms. S...in a crazy way...we are a family. It doesn't matter if you have posted once or a million times. I would have never believed it had I not experienced it. The wonderful thing about it is that you can share your true self here without ever having to worry about what others will think of you. We are all here for you in anyway you need us. So please..find a place to rant, rave or just pour out your raw emotions. Let us be there for you and help you through this the best we can. You can set your blog to private just to scream your words into print so you can breathe. But remember Nettie...even though some of us just meet...we form a bond through a post and a relationship is formed just by hitting enter or send. We love you and we are here for you.

 

Many prayer and hugs for you

ANM

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I am sorry for your loss and praying for your hurts...

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Nette, I'm so, so sorry. You are experiencing something no parent should ever have to go through. There have been a lot of good suggestions given. Please talk to someone...write down your feelings...please allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Know that we are here to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on at any time. :hug3:

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I cannot even begin to understand what you are feeling, but I will pray for you.

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NetteTX,

 

I know there are absolutely no words I can say to ease your pain. I wish to God there were. God bless you, and your family. I am so very sorry for the loss you are enduring.

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((((((Nette))))) There are no words to express how sorry I am for your loss! Losing a child is something that is not supposed to happen, and it can be devestating. Definately seek out a group of parents who are going through the same thing. That won't make everything better, but at the very least they will understand and be a source of support. We will be praying for you! :grouphug:

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Just reading your post broke my heart. I lost my mom four years ago and even though I know that can't compare to losing a child, I know some about grief and loss. You have all the stages to go thru seven I think and believe me you will go thru them all before its over with. I tried on my own and had to end up seeing a christian counselor, she was/is wonderful. She truly was a God send. I still see her sometimes. But its very important to have someone to talk with and make sure they're a christian. I know everything is still new now, the pain, grief, shock, disbelief and this is a hard time of the year too, but know that time heals all things and God will see you through this. He will be by your side every step of the way. Lean on Him, fall into His healing, loving arms, His love never fails us. If you ever need to talk please let me know, I understand. Please let us know how you are. I will keep you in my prayers.

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I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

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I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

My own dear son was killed July 25th, 2006 when he was 20.

It is the hardest most worst thing ever, to lose a child.

All I can say is that I understand and that I will be praying for you.

 

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(((((Oh Nettie))))) You are on my heart and in my prayers. You are surrounded here by many loving and helpful voices who are willing to just listen as you need to pour out and release your pain.

 

There are some very wise suggestions for getting the support you may need and to comfort you in knowing that you are not going crazy - You are grieving - and it is a cycle. Reaching out to others who can help you to understand what that cycle is will help ease some of your burden in the days and months to come.

 

Take good care of you Nettie. :pray:

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